what a week!!

i feel like i've disappeared this week. but I haven't. I miss my blog and I miss reading fellow bloggers blogs. This week, all my energy...every shred...except for the tiny bit spent doing my laundry yesterday...has gone into work--and it was so worth it!!

So, now that the weekend is here, I can just breathe and catch up on life otherwise...and blogging, of course!

Have a lovely weekend all!!

xoxo

p.s. i've got an interesting story to tell about a possibly DL encounter I witnessed on Wednesday night while out to dinner with my old roomie. Not sure how I'll approach it, but I want to talk about it anyway...

p.p.s. $5000 (minumum) for a sweater!!! It's a good cause, but still...

a small, pleasant bit of peace.

today was difficult. difficult to get up for work because of the long weekend. difficult to get movitated at work because of the long weekend...and difficult to get off work at a "normal" time, because whenever you have a long weekend, you have to put in extra time on your next day back to make up for it. And, my sinuses haven't helped with all the difficulty.

But, when I stopped thinking about the difficult-ness--at the end of the day--I discovered someone practicing their saxophone in one of the houses near mine. And a good, melodic practicing. peaceful even. definitely not an amateur. I closed my eyes so as to bring the sound closer to me.

I hope he practices everyday. Wait...I'm assuming it's a he...could be a she.

you know...

...i have nothing weighty to say today...I just didn't want to end the week with my "anti-marriage" post at the top of my blog :-)

I'm loving the day so far...and that's saying a lot because this has been a week...whew! It's sunny, it's clear, I'm leaving the city, and looking forward to beer, breakfasts, and the bed (for resting, of course).

Hey, yesterday the Brooklyn Bridge turned 125!! Wish I could have been there to see the fireworks in person. I think the Brooklyn Bridge might just be the most photographed bridge in the world. (I'll have to Wikipedia that one.) I really love Brooklyn tho...my happiest times in New York happened either when I lived in or visited Brooklyn. And some of my dearest and coolest friends have lived or still live there--Beth, Kate, Hannah, Jimmy, Chris F, Maisha. Maybe I'll live there again soon.

Anyway, in honor of the milestone, here's one of my fav photos of the grand sculpture. A bit frightening, isn't it? Photo by Arthur Leipzig, Brooklyn Bridge, 1946

this is gonna be all over the place.

because I'm all over the place today (already), and this is a topic that I tend to either trivialize or overthink--or both simultaneously.

a dear dear friend often debates the to-be-or-not-to-be's of marriage with me...which usually begins with me saying "I don't know if I'll ever marry, and I'm fine with it," and ends with her telling me the joys of walking down the aisle, a Tiffany (or comparable) ring, wearing the white dress, and having that piece of paper that weaves it all together....and let's not forget a "forever" companion. But, then I end it-end it by saying that I don't need the paper nor the ring and dress, and I can have the "forever" companion without the marriage. thank you very much. although, I don't say "thank you very much," because I don't want to spoil her hopes for marriage, even though I can't seem to conjure up any for myself. It's just not a priority, I suppose. But I looooove the BF. You all know it, if you've been reading this blog. A friend asked me yesterday, "could you see yourself 'being with him?' "Yes, definitely," I replied. I like the simplistic ring of that--"being with him."

Last week, the BF confirmed it wasn't a priority for him either...and now I'm thinking. And thinking. And overthinking. I mean, it doesn't rule out the possibility...he's 26 and young *super wise though....I call HIM for advice constantly** and could change his mind in 6 months....and so could I. I'm young too--and awful at making long-term decisions. It seems that in a conversation with his mom...she told him she wasn't "marrying people." And he said, he thought about himself, and thought maybe he wasn't either. It feels only slightly complicated when I say I don't want to get married...but now that doubles, maybe triples, when he agrees. hmmmm...

flashback: My ex's mom was planning the big, fabulous wedding after I'd been seeing her son for only 2 months, and I think it's possible she ruined the idea of marriage for me. Well, her, and my own unfavorable experiences with marriage growing up. (Hint: my mom never married my dad, and most marriages I observed, as a child and teen, were extremely dysfunctional.) Seeing my ex's mom smile and prance around and dote on her husband drove me nuts...made me gag...and further confirmed that perfect appearances don't equal a perfect marriage (I'll respect the ex's family and not go into detail...but now, I guess I've gone into detail, haven't I?)--and besides, there's no such thing as a perfect marriage, right? Or perfect anything.

To be completely honest, so many marriages seem to be more about obligation and fear and tradition and less about love and faith--and I suppose I'm just not into obligation, fear, and tradition. Also, no one's ever been able to give me a good solid, convincing argument for getting married. I've heard, "What about the big wedding...and family and the white dress?" TRADITION. "What about buying a home with someone, and sharing a mortgage and all the financial securities that come with being married?" OBLIGATION. "Well, what's stopping him from leaving you, or worst, deserting you with three children, and finding another woman?" FEAR. And really, love just isn't enough reason for me to get married either...I can love just as strongly and faithfully without the ring. Can't I?

It's also possible that I'm just cynical--and don't have the personality for wife-dom.

I dunno...I'm rambling and I've solved nothing. So i'll move on...

On a less cynical note, my friend Shamones is getting married in 3 weeks, and I couldn't be happier. And while I know I said there's no such thing, Shamones and her fiance' are perfect, in that very non-perfect, non-trying way--laid-back, fun, giggly, and no frills--and they have figured out how to love eachother for 8 years and counting (2 or 3 of those years they did long-distance). And really, it's even simpler than that..when I'm around them, I feel their closeness, even if they're standing on opposite ends of the room. He adores her, and she once told me "there's no one like him anywhere." I've got the Kleenex and water-proof mascara--and of course, my dancing shoes--ready for the big day. Now I need a dress.

see toldya. all over the place.

i'm a lazy bum.

oh well, blame it on all the unpacking.

ever notice when your stylist does your hair, it lays and moves so perfectly, and then you try to style it on your own, it's a bobby pin, clip, and product mess?? Not to mention, it takes an entire day to 'fall' right. Well...here's me and my magical clip. Without it my bangs would stand straight out in front of me as if they might run away with the spoon.

Tomorrow, I need to start posting sensible posts again...oy. On topics like boys, babies, brides...butter? lol. and oh yeah, this perplexing, maddening thing called 'baby steps.'

so i'm all moved in.

with the help and muscle of the BF, i have a new home. so far, so good...I have dresses in the closet, my blowdryer, toothbrush, and salt scrub in the bathroom, and cereal and soup in the kitchen.

So, a little about my block. There are three churches and a huge cemetary--so that means i'm surrounded by spirits. I hope mostly, pleasant ones--that mind their own business.

p.s. etoilee8: sorry i missed you this weekend. I owe you a latte or cap'!

subtle changes make a girl feel new.

yep, i cut and straightened it...sorta Katie Holmes or Suri...my roomie says Rihanna. I dunno...I like it. I hope I can still get a little ponytail... p.s. (Keith Campbell is the "architect," btw.)

cold feet. a breakdown. a panic attack.

well, i had all that yesteday.

i walked into the front door of my new apartment (I'm moving in on Saturday), and something in me shifted. Not a huge, 180-degree shift. Just subtle-enough shift for me to hold inside. Or so I thought. Then I accidentally called my old roomie and friend, Em, in DC, and it all came pouring out--like a rainstorm, literally. But it helped, and I think i'm startiing to figure myself out more. You'd think, after 30 years, I'd know me a lot better.

Moving to a new place feels like an end to my mobility. An end to wanting to pack up and move whenever the mood strikes. My co-workers used to joke with me about moving so often--a few months in Queens, then a year in Brooklyn, followed by a few months near Columbia...and finally almost 2 years in Harlem. I thought I was cured. Then I moved to DC...again, almost two years. Not bad. Then, on top of getting a new job, I guess I got a taste for the road...for mobility, again. And it's all fine and dandy when you're subletting and you can forsee the end. But permanence is what sickens and frightens me, and I don't know why. Or maybe I do, but like many things, I'm afraid to say it. Saying it makes it true, doesn't it?

Well, simply put, I've never fully unpacked. I've got my life in boxes, and bags. I always had a packed box...some kids have a security blanket--I had a suitcase. A packed box. If I unpack, I don't know what will happen. But maybe hopefully, it will be home.

Before getting off the phone with Em, I promised I'd unpack EVERYTHING this time, and maybe paint the walls a beautiful, muted, mustard yellow. I told her I'd even christen the new place by sitting on the couch, painting my nails (bright red!)--a true sign that i'm "at home." I'm even planning to put a tomato plant on the roof. I hope and want these plans to materialize. Wish me luck...wish me fearlessness.

r.i.p. robert rauschenberg.

may you live on through your winsome prints, photos, and paintings.. Untitled, 1955

i never liked terry mcmillan books.

i never saw my life in them. the first time I picked up one of her books--back in the 90s when they were all the rave--"Waiting to Exhale," I thought a bit arrogantly, "Ugh....this is IT? This crap is what everyone's raving about?! But it's fluff."

I was in college (young and snobby) and still figuring out my writing style (and I'm still figuring it out), but I could recognize fluff when I read it. And while she's a respected author--I wanted to stay as far away from her unimaginative style as possible. Her books always fell flat--never aroused both sides of my brain, and rarely gave me an appetite for her other works.

I won't say what triggered this blog post--but I will say what it's leading up to. A writing class for moi. A fiction writing class--so that I can figure out how the heck to tie all these ramblings and unfinished thoughts and pieces of Ms. Dottie into a perfectly formed, fluff-free piece of work that I can be proud of--and hopefully, will do her grandness justice.

p.s. besides, now that the Hills is over--I need something brain-regenerative to fill that empty time slot in my Monday nights.

tonight is the finale of The Hills...

yes, I watch it---guilty as charged. Team Audrina! Booo LC!

So, that means, a real post will have to wait until tomorrow.

xoxo

p.s. Is it January?? sure feels likes it. brrrrrrrr!

you may or may not be aware of my love...

...of coffee. and if you are not, well let me re-affirm--I LOVE COFFEE! deeply. I can base my entire day around where I plan to sip my coffee. Three sugars and half 'n half--a window, my Ipod (or a notebook if I feel like jotting) and I'm set for hours!

I planned, this weekend, to go down to DC and sip on some Murky coffee and grab breakfast at the market...when I read this.

I mentioned this before. how sad. Murky has kept Cap Hill hipsters awake and alert for quite some time...really awful news that the doors are closed for good. (I have hope that they'll fix their financial woes and return **fingers crossed** DC needs more pleasantries like Murky coffee.)

so, we all know the cure for rough times...

...(or happy times) is retail therapy. So, I indulged a bit yesterday with my roomie. We hit up Sephora and Kiehl's and went a little crazy on the makeup-that-looks-like-you're-not-wearing-makeup products. (Note: if you haven't figured it out yet, this post is a tad bit girlie--but to my two or three male readers, feel free to pass these tips along to your lady or sister.)

Here's what I "discovered" and I highly HIGHLY recommend these fab products:

Ohh La Lift - You know when you feel like you look like a raccoon, but you don't want to pile on a ton of concealer? Well, this stuff is magical--it de-puffs you and gives a slight illumination to your under-eye area. It's magic--seriously.

Benetint - You may already know the joys of Benetint, but if not, here you go. You get a perfectly natural stain for cheeks and lips that doesn't fade. Think, you just drank some red fruit punch...and your lips are stained for the entire day. It's a good thing, trust me.

Boi-ing - If you haven't slept in 3 days, or you just had a rough night--this industrial strength concealer makes it all go away (except for the hang-over part).

Blue Herbal Spot Treatment - Every girl knows that good skin is clean skin--and tight, shrunken pores. Swipe it on before bed--wash it off in the morning.

Ultra Facial Tinted Moisturizer - Although the weather seems a bit bi-polar right now--this stuff gives you that just-enough beachy glow...really subtle, lightweight, and hydrating. And it has sunscreen.

Illuminating Veil - Oh boy...this stuff is so lovely. It's gives a slight, dewy shimmer...but not that artificial, teeny-bopper sparkle. And it's minerals, so it's healthy and safe for sensitive skin types. I recommend Nude Glow. Best of all it's around 10 bucks at your drugstore.

Enjoy!

so, i couldn't post something so sap-laden...

...without countering it with something silly and slightly saucy. Like this pic, for instance...posted by the Sartorialist today. It's actually a pic of a girl I've had a long-running crush on--looks like an artist, but is (or was) also a bartender. I love her smooth, honeyed skin.

As it happens and needless to say, I like boys. But hey, in another life. Besides, we're allowed a wide variety of crushes, aren't we? Like just over two hours ago, I had a deep, delicious crush on a chocolate mousse.

by and by--small splashes of insight.

i'm having trouble putting my feelings of-late into words. I keep writing a blog, and then scrapping it. Also, when I started posting here, I was so unafraid of being completely honest, and then I thought "well, what about privacy?" and again, I find myself wanting to open up in small doses--there's more room out than there is in.

So in a conversation with one of my lovely girlfriends, I shared some true words (with typos) that made a lot of sense to me. There are times that I loathe being such a tattered product of my past relationships, and then there are times like this that I like it because I can say 'i'm moving past it and i'm still worthy of love.'

"one of the reasons XXXXXX and I were having problems was b/c
of my fear--and the fear was messing with our relationship. He said
it was difficult for him to have to constantly prove he loves me...
and then still, the very next day, I'd still need him to prove it
again. He said it had been taking a toll on him for almost 6 months.
So, in order for us to stay together, I literally took a vow to work
on it, and to just go with the flow and trust that, even if he's out
on the road for [work]--it's his career, and it doesn't mean he
doesn't love me or that he's not there for me.

What a hole I guess I'd dug myself into. The thing is, I don't know
when it happened that I allowed it to start eating away at me. I used
to be fine--and then, when I allow logic to butt in, I'm totally fine.
But I guess it gets to him, and it's unfair and it puts unnecessary
stress on both of us. And stress is not something either of us needs,
particularly since we don't see eachother that often and we should be
focusing on the good things and just loving eachother...

...Boy, this is complicated! But really--i spent the whole weekend
with XXXXXX just focusing on how special our relationship really is
and how great our dynamic is and how love is wonderful and all that
cheesy stuff. And, by the end of the weekend, I just felt good. None
of that fear, and uncertainty. I mean, yes, it's still there...but
there really is a lot to be said for positive thinking. First you
think it, then you keep thinking it, then it becomes a part of your
thought process without you having to place it there."

i know i should say more...

...about the so-called "hard stuff." But I want to focus my thoughts on the good, "easy stuff" for the moment. I think life would be simpler and more beautiful if we all did that more often.

"I loved being with you--especially sitting
in front of 9th Street Espresso, staring into
the street, petting the stranger's lovable dog,
and enjoying 1-dollar cups of coffee. If I
could bottle that moment, I would. I want
more of those--just so you know. so lovely."

i'll start with the easy stuff...

...there's love stuff to discuss, but I'm not ready. Getting there though.

i think i've found the best doctor on earth...or at least the best doctor i've had in my 30 years. She's so great i'm afraid to pass the word, because I don't want to share her. so selfish of me. i think i love her. oh well, if anyone needs a primary care doc in NYC, let me know. see, not so selfish afterall.

I'd been self-diagnosing and self-treating my allergies, or what I thought were allergies, since early April. My eyes felt gritty and sore, and I wanted to do nothing but keep them closed with bags of ice on them. I wasn't myself. I was miserable, and miserable is not what you want to be when you've just settled into a new job and you want to put your best foot forward. The worry in my boss' eyes started to make me uncomfortable--so although I was already on several prescription meds for hay fever--Astelin, Nasonex, fexofenadine, Pataday, and Elestat--I bit the bullet, took the day off, found a doc two blocks from home, and went. Long story short, it's not all hay fever. I have a sinus infection and a bacterial eye infection. So, I'm antibioticked up, feeling better, and that's one less thing wearing on my mind and my body.

But there is stuff on my mind. I so want to get into that stuff...the hard stuff. But I'm gonna be patient. I refuse to write the story until I know how it's gonna end.

p.s. a big, warm xoxo for all my fellow bloggers who have said such kind things in the Comments :-)

p.p.s. at this very moment, I'm watching 16 Candles--best teenage movie ever. Or quite possibly, tied with Pretty in Pink. I love it, I love Molly. I love Anthony MH. I loooove Jake!! And I love how the 80s makes every teen seem sweaty and awkward with bad hair--as they should be. "Lemme borrow your underpants for ten minutes." I'm gonna download the soundtrack...