Tuesday, May 6, 2008

by and by--small splashes of insight.

i'm having trouble putting my feelings of-late into words. I keep writing a blog, and then scrapping it. Also, when I started posting here, I was so unafraid of being completely honest, and then I thought "well, what about privacy?" and again, I find myself wanting to open up in small doses--there's more room out than there is in.

So in a conversation with one of my lovely girlfriends, I shared some true words (with typos) that made a lot of sense to me. There are times that I loathe being such a tattered product of my past relationships, and then there are times like this that I like it because I can say 'i'm moving past it and i'm still worthy of love.'

"one of the reasons XXXXXX and I were having problems was b/c
of my fear--and the fear was messing with our relationship. He said
it was difficult for him to have to constantly prove he loves me...
and then still, the very next day, I'd still need him to prove it
again. He said it had been taking a toll on him for almost 6 months.
So, in order for us to stay together, I literally took a vow to work
on it, and to just go with the flow and trust that, even if he's out
on the road for [work]--it's his career, and it doesn't mean he
doesn't love me or that he's not there for me.

What a hole I guess I'd dug myself into. The thing is, I don't know
when it happened that I allowed it to start eating away at me. I used
to be fine--and then, when I allow logic to butt in, I'm totally fine.
But I guess it gets to him, and it's unfair and it puts unnecessary
stress on both of us. And stress is not something either of us needs,
particularly since we don't see eachother that often and we should be
focusing on the good things and just loving eachother...

...Boy, this is complicated! But really--i spent the whole weekend
with XXXXXX just focusing on how special our relationship really is
and how great our dynamic is and how love is wonderful and all that
cheesy stuff. And, by the end of the weekend, I just felt good. None
of that fear, and uncertainty. I mean, yes, it's still there...but
there really is a lot to be said for positive thinking. First you
think it, then you keep thinking it, then it becomes a part of your
thought process without you having to place it there."


rashad said...

relationships are like plays man..you have different acts. the first, you can get away with going on pure bliss, lust, etc. the second act, which is where it sounds like you are, your past clashes with your current, and its a struggle. the key is to find someone who is patient enough to work with you. *

*i know nothing about relationships

Chubbs said...

well rashad--it's good to hear from a guy that i'm not going crazy and that this is perfectly "normal." You may (think you) know nothing, but I think you're 100 percent right.

lex said...

Chubbs...for someone who says they're having trouble putting feelings into words, you managed to convey yours superbly. I love your writing style.

Anyway, i can completely relate to what you told your friend. you are not alone. I would say more, but then i'd be opening the emo gates and i might never shut up. And this is about you.

Im glad you and X are/were able to open up to each other and have honest communication. Sometimes you have to have crisis moment in order for things to come clean. Im glad things are looking up. :)

Chubbs said...

lex -- you always know the right thing to say. thank you.

Janelle said...

I agree with Lex - you stated your feelings beautifully and you will find everytime you read this you will have a better understanding of those feelings. I love that you and XXXXXX were able to express how the situation was affecting your relationship. Sometimes we get so caught up in acting out instead of talking ig out.

Fear is very powerful. It's what has kept me out of a relationship for almost a year. But I find that sometimes there is power in just acknowledging that fear, looking it straight in the eye and saying "I see you sucka; you won't be around forever". Eventually faith in yourself will diminish it. And that's what will keep you going and keep you working on your relationship.

Chubbs said...

Janelle...beautifully stated! It's so nice to hear that I'm not alone...and that so many people have fears and often bend to them. Thankfully, yes, communication has been our saving grace.