Thursday, May 22, 2008

this is gonna be all over the place.

because I'm all over the place today (already), and this is a topic that I tend to either trivialize or overthink--or both simultaneously.

a dear dear friend often debates the to-be-or-not-to-be's of marriage with me...which usually begins with me saying "I don't know if I'll ever marry, and I'm fine with it," and ends with her telling me the joys of walking down the aisle, a Tiffany (or comparable) ring, wearing the white dress, and having that piece of paper that weaves it all together....and let's not forget a "forever" companion. But, then I end it-end it by saying that I don't need the paper nor the ring and dress, and I can have the "forever" companion without the marriage. thank you very much. although, I don't say "thank you very much," because I don't want to spoil her hopes for marriage, even though I can't seem to conjure up any for myself. It's just not a priority, I suppose. But I looooove the BF. You all know it, if you've been reading this blog. A friend asked me yesterday, "could you see yourself 'being with him?' "Yes, definitely," I replied. I like the simplistic ring of that--"being with him."

Last week, the BF confirmed it wasn't a priority for him either...and now I'm thinking. And thinking. And overthinking. I mean, it doesn't rule out the possibility...he's 26 and young *super wise though....I call HIM for advice constantly** and could change his mind in 6 months....and so could I. I'm young too--and awful at making long-term decisions. It seems that in a conversation with his mom...she told him she wasn't "marrying people." And he said, he thought about himself, and thought maybe he wasn't either. It feels only slightly complicated when I say I don't want to get married...but now that doubles, maybe triples, when he agrees. hmmmm...

flashback: My ex's mom was planning the big, fabulous wedding after I'd been seeing her son for only 2 months, and I think it's possible she ruined the idea of marriage for me. Well, her, and my own unfavorable experiences with marriage growing up. (Hint: my mom never married my dad, and most marriages I observed, as a child and teen, were extremely dysfunctional.) Seeing my ex's mom smile and prance around and dote on her husband drove me nuts...made me gag...and further confirmed that perfect appearances don't equal a perfect marriage (I'll respect the ex's family and not go into detail...but now, I guess I've gone into detail, haven't I?)--and besides, there's no such thing as a perfect marriage, right? Or perfect anything.

To be completely honest, so many marriages seem to be more about obligation and fear and tradition and less about love and faith--and I suppose I'm just not into obligation, fear, and tradition. Also, no one's ever been able to give me a good solid, convincing argument for getting married. I've heard, "What about the big wedding...and family and the white dress?" TRADITION. "What about buying a home with someone, and sharing a mortgage and all the financial securities that come with being married?" OBLIGATION. "Well, what's stopping him from leaving you, or worst, deserting you with three children, and finding another woman?" FEAR. And really, love just isn't enough reason for me to get married either...I can love just as strongly and faithfully without the ring. Can't I?

It's also possible that I'm just cynical--and don't have the personality for wife-dom.

I dunno...I'm rambling and I've solved nothing. So i'll move on...

On a less cynical note, my friend Shamones is getting married in 3 weeks, and I couldn't be happier. And while I know I said there's no such thing, Shamones and her fiance' are perfect, in that very non-perfect, non-trying way--laid-back, fun, giggly, and no frills--and they have figured out how to love eachother for 8 years and counting (2 or 3 of those years they did long-distance). And really, it's even simpler than that..when I'm around them, I feel their closeness, even if they're standing on opposite ends of the room. He adores her, and she once told me "there's no one like him anywhere." I've got the Kleenex and water-proof mascara--and of course, my dancing shoes--ready for the big day. Now I need a dress.

see toldya. all over the place.

5 comments:

asabi said...

tsk. tsk. tsk. I have a really long response to this but i'll save it for my own post. but you ARE the marrying type. and you WILL be getting married. and you WILL be happy. its in the stars.

Chubbs said...

but what if i'm happy being un-married? why isn't that in the stars **devil's advocate**

asabi said...

i dont doubt you will be happy either way but i just think you crazy kids will wake up one day and decide "let's get married". I'll give you a Godchild if you get married..lol

rashad said...

i was on the fence about getting married until i met my current girlfriend, and since then i'm all for it. why? 1)i love her 2)i want my parents to have their experience and 3)have you seen tax returns of married couples?

Chubbs said...

rashad--that's truly wonderful to hear from a guy's mouth. I will agree with you on #3...and maybe that will be the thing that gets me off the fence.