Wednesday, May 14, 2008

cold feet. a breakdown. a panic attack.

well, i had all that yesteday.

i walked into the front door of my new apartment (I'm moving in on Saturday), and something in me shifted. Not a huge, 180-degree shift. Just subtle-enough shift for me to hold inside. Or so I thought. Then I accidentally called my old roomie and friend, Em, in DC, and it all came pouring out--like a rainstorm, literally. But it helped, and I think i'm startiing to figure myself out more. You'd think, after 30 years, I'd know me a lot better.

Moving to a new place feels like an end to my mobility. An end to wanting to pack up and move whenever the mood strikes. My co-workers used to joke with me about moving so often--a few months in Queens, then a year in Brooklyn, followed by a few months near Columbia...and finally almost 2 years in Harlem. I thought I was cured. Then I moved to DC...again, almost two years. Not bad. Then, on top of getting a new job, I guess I got a taste for the road...for mobility, again. And it's all fine and dandy when you're subletting and you can forsee the end. But permanence is what sickens and frightens me, and I don't know why. Or maybe I do, but like many things, I'm afraid to say it. Saying it makes it true, doesn't it?

Well, simply put, I've never fully unpacked. I've got my life in boxes, and bags. I always had a packed box...some kids have a security blanket--I had a suitcase. A packed box. If I unpack, I don't know what will happen. But maybe hopefully, it will be home.

Before getting off the phone with Em, I promised I'd unpack EVERYTHING this time, and maybe paint the walls a beautiful, muted, mustard yellow. I told her I'd even christen the new place by sitting on the couch, painting my nails (bright red!)--a true sign that i'm "at home." I'm even planning to put a tomato plant on the roof. I hope and want these plans to materialize. Wish me luck...wish me fearlessness.


Nichole said...

oh em gee. i think we really are long lost distant relatives or twins or something.
since 2000, i've moved almost every two years.
2000-02: new orleans
02-03: dc/ pg county
03-04: nashville
04-06: dc/ pg county
06-08: los angeles

and was about to move back to nashville this year, but i need roots. at least for a little while longer.

so much of my stuff is in boxes (in la and dc). i'm ready to be still, but there is something restless inside of me that's like... "what else is out there?"

LadyWritesTheBlues said...

Oh that sounds like me-"you'd think I would know myself after (31 for me) years"

I wish you the best! I know you will excel in whatever you put your mind to!

rashad said...

Here's to fearlessness and luck. Although I must tell you, you'll never really know yourself completely. its an on going process so i've heard

etoilee8 said...

BE FEARLESS. And if you you need some help, I'm in the city this weekend. Send me an email or keep an eye out for me at 9th Street Espresso. xoxo.

Chubbs said...

Oh etoilee! I'll be at 9th Street on Saturday last morning for sure. My bf is coming up to help with the move...but I don't want to deal with the unpacking until next week.

My email is

asabi said...

some boxes take a lot longer to unpack than others. i say live with them a little longer. dont rush the process.

lex said...

i wish you fearlessness and more fearlessness on top of that. you're rocking and shocking girl!