waiting is hell.

when you're waiting for the lay-off list to land under your office door, you begin to consider how great life would be without the obligation and stress of a nine-to-five, and how dismal life would be without that stuff that makes the world go 'round. and how temporary everything is...jobs, income, layoffs, office doors, stuff (maybe even stress--if i so choose).

p.s. i whole has passed. yes, i'm a bad blogger. i know. i don't deserve the title "blogger." don't hate me (if you're at all even reading this).

a friend told me some depressing news yesterday...

..."When you see the man you're gonna marry, you'll know it immediatlely. It will make you sick. You'll have absolutely no control over it." That made me feel dreadfully awful because:

1) I don't want to be made sick by love.
2) I fear giving up control of anything in my life.
3) It hasn't happened yet: the sickness. So does that mean i have not loved?
4) I truly believe I loved two men in my life, and her statement has me doubting that. I was made sick when we broke up, though not when we met/were together.

When I posed question #3 to her...she said, "That's right. You have not loved." I don't want to believe her theory, but she is amongst the happily married, so what do I know, you know? When I said to her "Well, I get what you're saying, but I'm not so sure I even want to get married," A little light glimmered in her eye (seriously) and she said, "Well, then dating around is what's working for you right now." And then I couldn't tell if she was insulting me or belittling me, or if I was just taking everything a little too personal b/c she's happily married with two beautiful kids and a beautiful husband, and I am not. So I said "OK" (rather pathetically) and walked away, thought about it all, felt crazy, obsessed on it, and decided to commit my obsessing to words here. I'd love to hear your thoughts, if you have any.

it's been a month...

...and I can no longer get by with the "my computer's dead" excuse. I'll just say, "Life has taken over" and there's been a lot of it. So much to say, so little time. Work has taken over as well--and it's kicking my butt.

Okay, enough rambling. This post was just to say "hello" "I've missed you," and I'll be back really soon, and more consistently, with peeps and winks from my life. Ooh, and there's love stuff, too! Hope I still remember how to blog...xo!

baby's sick. again.

my lovely beautiful laptop is experiencing technical (or perhaps emotional) difficulties at the moment. no, that's not the main reason i haven't been blogging, but it's my story for now, and i'm sticking to it.

back soon. xo!
Chubbs

last night...

...i dreamed of writing a book of short stories.

i know that i complain often...

...about having to trek all the way out to the sticks to get to my job. Most days i waver between reminiscing on the easy non-commute of my old job in Midtown, and just plain ol' fantasizing about not having a job at all...though I've never had the luxury of the latter (and if I did, I'd likely not think it as grand as it seems). Yet, when it snows, what does one who trekketh out to the sticks to get to work get? A SNOW DAY!

Last night i said to my friend Harry, "I reaaaally hope it snows all night so i can have a snow day."
Says Harry: "Snow day? You don't get snow days. It's New York!!"
Says me: "Yes you do, if you work in [the sticks]."
And sure enough, I woke up to several inches of pillowy white goodness and a message on the company voice mail saying "Due to inclement weather, the office will be closed today." Oh, the utter joy of a Monday off...

To properly celebrate, Hannah and i packed up some grilled cheese sandwiches and strawberries, and took a stroll through Central Park. It amazes me how the snow muffles sound and makes the city feel slower and less frenzied. Two friends sat on a swing in Central Park, gliding and giggling like children, and watched the real children sled and giggle down a hill. Who says there's no such thing as perfect? Well, it was at least until my fingers and toes began to freeze b/c of the 20-degree temps...ouch...oh well...sledding...snow pose...swinging...i didn't see the set of steps on the side of this hill, until after i'd climbed up (and fallen down...TWICE)oh, and then i met a boy...

i really need to...

...get off my ass and wash/style my hair. Ugh...it's almost 10pm, and flat-ironing will take me into the wee hours...so...I wish hats were acceptable dress code at my job.

tonight, i did not cry in therapy (that's a 1st in almost three months!)...I got teary, but no tears fell. And I'm thankful that I found my bottle of naproxen and my heating pad. And finally, tonight--on the subway--I wrote my prose-ish essay (i refuse to call it a poem) that i'm submitting to a friend's literary web-azine. Still needs some cleaning up...but all and all, very good first draft. PROGRESS--whether on a cushiony couch, on the pages of a tiny moleskine, or inside a pill bottle (yes, i said it)--feels pretty damn good.

more from outsiders ny...

...since i obviously cannot get enough. And can I just say, that barack seems to be the muse of every modern artist, more so than any other political figure of this time or past (I wonder. Don't quote me, I didn't factcheck this.) This is a piece by David Choe that i'd love to own...if only because it reflects its own light--even when the room is dark. oh the symbolism!

i got my laptop back.

yes, this deserves it's own YAY post. The only thing is, the post has to be short, since i left my charger at work. But i've got stuff to say, I promise. So...until tomorrow...

forced break.

well, maybe. my laptop is being temperamental. but i hope to be back to blogging by the end of this week. cross ur fingers for me. xo!

he deserves another day...

...on my little ol' blog. And because i love a man who says "why go out for a hamburger when you have steak at home." :-)

mental holidays...

...are oh sooooooo necessary...

i took a long walk today, had my coffee, wrote, watched a bit of oprah, and now i'm napping before an 8pm play reading (blogging while napping is a helluva skill). life should be this sweet everyday. :-)

p.s. i haven't had a cigarette in over a week. i think i quit.

i rarely blog on fashion.

not b/c i don't love it...but moreso because I don't keep up with the trends. I'm inexperienced. Certainly wouldn't want to mislead anyone with my wayward, flighty attempts at sartorial commentary. But, if there were ever a day I need retail therapy, it's today. And it comes at the most inopportune time. I'm going on vaca next week...and I plan to shop shop shop!

Anyway, against my better judgement and knowing I need to hold out and be patient, I sauntered into this little shop on Mott St. yesterday, and I was more than tempted. I had to unglue myself from a perfect pair of green wedges and carefully-but-swiftly back out of the store. My regrets to the eager, friendly shop-lady. So today, I thought, "maybe they have a web site," and I found it, as you can see. whyyyy, oh whyyyy do they have a web site? The last thing I need is for those green wedges to be mine at the touch of a button. pray for me. (aren't they lovely, here in camel?)

today, when i woke up...

...i felt different. Yet, unsettlingly familiar. yesterday you reminded me of how someone else used to make me feel. inadequate and lonely. i had a nightmare--a recurring one...of someone mentally ripping me to shreds...sending me far over the edge. I woke up, not relieved, and with a stifling, tight pain in my head.

try to NOT laugh.

i know i should say more...

...about the so-called "hard stuff." But I want to focus my thoughts on the good, "easy stuff" for the moment. I think life would be simpler and more beautiful if we all did that more often.

"I loved being with you--especially sitting
in front of 9th Street Espresso, staring into
the street, petting the stranger's lovable dog,
and enjoying 1-dollar cups of coffee. If I
could bottle that moment, I would. I want
more of those--just so you know. so lovely."

i think i was around nineteen or twenty...

...and i remember what it was like to not know how it felt to be in love, and wanting to feel that feeling so badly. All I knew was what I saw between two people in soaps and in movies and it seemed wonderful. "How awesome to have someone standing beside you and holding you and kissing you all the time," I'd thought." But had I known how easy I had it, and how miserable being in love could make you, I would have never wished it on myself.

monday morning: the bean edition.

mi favorito coffee shop, Murky Coffee, has been seized by the government for tax reasons. Damn you Uncle Sam! All the more reason for me to get thahelloutof this city. Murky is pretty darn perfect--albeit the long lines (I can never tell where it begins and where it ends). It's been a pleasant weekend staple for me and the BF. Every weekend, we take our morning caffeine-fix walk...order two small coffees with a vanilla shot in each (is it Kenya or Ethiopian brew?). The BF is heavy on the sugar, I'm heavy on the half n' half. Then, we walk to the market for breakfast--cups in hand--discussing babies, books, and our plans for the day.

I'm very very very distraught over the (hopefully temporary) closing. My fingers are crossed that this wonderful shop fixes it's financial woes and re-opens soon...like by this weekend. I don't want Starbucks!

p.s. I didn't know coffee grinds help a garden grow.

***************
Photo from DCist

dirty-old-man.

***because Mondays are extra long and blah, aren't they?***

The BF and I have a lil joke...kinda derived from one of his stand-up routines. When we're fooling around and just plain being silly, like we often are on Sundays after brunch, we feign a dirty-old-man voice and imitate some dirty-old-man mannerisms, and we rattle off dirty-old-man one-liners. Think the way dirty old men hit on young women in a real creepy, lip-licking way, but since it's old men, you somehow find it cute and endearing and non-threatening. "Lemme put some butter on your biscuits girl" **scruffly country old-man voice** and then we keep it going...until it becomes too ridiculous and we have to let it go so we can still giggle about it later.

lemme put some biscuits on your gravy
lemme put some gravy on your biscuits
lemme put some pork in your greens
lemme put some fatback in your baked beans
lemme put some butter on your potatto
lemme put some brown sugar on your yam
lemme put some syrup on your pancakes
lemme put some shrimp in your gumbo
lemme put some sausage in your jimbalaya
lemme put some Old Bay on your crabs <=<=this was my last one...you could tell I was winding down.