on being a teeny-tiny bit fearful to fully commit...

...hannah had this great advice for me...and while I can't post the entire email (out of respect for her/my privacy), I posted the eloquent and supportive little snippet I loved most of all...

...perhaps it's the expectation that may be getting in the way. maybe when we tell someone something about the past, we expect that "chosen" person to then be so affected that they'll be there forever, as a blanket to cover us, as love to protect and house us, so we'll belong... we're all like this... everyone's heart gets broken because that's the inevitable progress to adulthood. people break promises and sometimes they leave and disappear, but you'll always have you, and the universe, and the love in it. and sometimes that love brings people back to you as well.

p.s. This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. What will you do to promote good health and acceptance of all bodies? For me, it'll be iyengar, followed by copious amounts of comfort food, a few glasses of Cab Sav, and lots of dancing (hello, cardio!)...because in my opinion, being healthy isn't always about moderation...it's about harmonizing the extremes.

happy birthday, baby.

happy birthday, baby. i love you so...**humming 16 Candles**

Today my Hannah turns...well, I'll leave her age out of this. Anyway, she turns a year older! yay!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANNAH--do something fun, do something adventurous, and for god's sake, don't sulk and mope about your age. xo!

And here's a photo of another Hannah. Meet artist, feminist, and narcissist Hannah Wilke--in her birthday suit :-)

oh, gosh, well this is more like it...

...a lil something to take my mind off my nutty-crazy banter. Will you look at what I got from Etoilee8 (btw E, I found Opening Cerermony, but have yet to go in.) Anyway thanks hun--I needed something to wipe away the dramatical-ness that has been my day!

1. Link back to the person who tagged you
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking to them
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged bloggers blogs letting them know they've been tagged
6. You can now display this charming dalek image i created when tagged!

Here i go....MY QUIRKS (sheesh, where to start?!)

1. I'm addicted...ADDICTED to chap stick. I can't go to sleep at night w/o having a tube of chapstick on my nightstand. To loose my lip balm would send me over the edge. Tell me I'm not alone...

2. I love fried chicken and it's one of my gourmet specialties. But I will not eat it without honey drizzled on top. A perfectly good wing-and-thigh is dead to me if there's no honey in the house.

3. I'm a city-girl to the point of snobbery. I secretly, ignorantly think all people who live 50 miles outside of a major city are cheating themselves out of great food, culture, arts, and shopping. I know, I'm an idiot. or am i?

4. My purse often doubles as an emergency overnight/come-what-may feed bag. In addition to the normal purse necessities, I carry antiperspirant (tho i cannot spell it), a pocket knife, at least one band-aid, snacks of some sort (b/c you never know), my notebook, face cream, a vitamin or two, and vick's vapor rub (don't ask).

5. I'm obsessed with bulldogs. And my reasons are the obvious ones...b/c they're fat, awkward, top-heavy, sloppy, and appear to fart constantly. A co-worker said to me "If you chose guys the same way you choose dogs, I'd be perfect for you."

6. I have hair on my toes. We're not talking Frodo Baggins hair...just a couple strands. And I shave it, so you'd never know unless you read this blog. Okay, Asabi, Lex, Janelle, RedHotMama, Ariel, and Peas. Let's hear it!

i have nothing...

...new to contribute to my blog except...I met her! And yes, she IS as lovely as she appears to be on her blog. We giggled over yummy plantanos, sweet potato fries, and shrimp...and oh, we had salad too! Then we headed over to see my friend Kevonne's awesome band perform. We shared capris (yes, I'm still smoking. oy.), and discovered a new beer together--Blue Point's Toasted Lager. It really was as if she was an old friend that I hadn't seen in some years...though, it was our first date. I've never been keen on internet dating, but internet friending...i'm all about it!

p.s. today, our yoga instructor thought we were advanced enough to give THIS little pose a try. And try I did. Several times. But alas, I wasn't ready. I nailed the hands part, but fear that i'd fall on my face wouldn't allow my legs extend. I'm about to get down on my bedroom floor and try again. I will not let koundinyasana defeat me.

this time tomorrow...

...i'll be in my new apt in my new neighborhood, and only a dozen blocks from 9th Street Espresso. Oh, and very close to my writing class as well--maybe around 5 blocks. I'm excited!!!! It really DID seem just like yesterday I was chanting "I can't wait to move," and here I go...again.

This post is dedicated partly to the band in washington square park. thank you so much for playing my request song, "I can see cleary now"," and for letting me sing along. i adore that song, and it has a great, positive message. not only did it make my day so much sweeter, i think it lifted my friend caroline's spirit. and she needed it. and so did i, i think. well, who cares, anytime's a good time for a serenade. (check out the video with Johnny Nash below...it was shot in Washington, DC. who knew??! and do me a favor: try NOT to focus on his shoes.)

and i'd planned to post a happy-birthday-MJ post two days ago...so now it's a happy-belated-birthday-MJ post. Oh well, what can I say? I've been packing--and singing in washington sq. park. When I was a 6 years old, I'd dance and sing to MJ songs for my great grandma--and she'd say "Get it, Ginger Cakes!" And I would "get it." I'd pull a little swirl of hair down on my forehead--a la "Off the Wall," and then I'd roll my pants up so that they were high enough to show off my white socks. I think I even convinced my mom to let me wear one white glove. And then, I do my best moonwalk and "heee heee owwww" Billie Jean impression. And afterwards Grandma Liza would cheer and hug me tight. That's my dearest MJ memory.

it's gray today.

under normal circumstances, a gray day would induce a case of the blahs. but not today. it's so lovely and appropriate to have some gray. it's been sunny and perfect with zero humidity in NY for an entire month, and the cynical side of me began to think it was un-natural and likely even a foreshadowing of some un-godly storm waiting in the wings. but today--it's gray. and all is natural again. and besides, the gray will make the next sunny day even more appreciated.

another reason why i'm loving the gray day. today is get-down-to-business-and-pack-your-shit day: today's the day i find out if all my stuff will actually fit into 8 large rubbermaid storage containers...or so i told my mover ;-)

last night, i had dinner with hannah and one of her mentors--and then we giggled like children in the Fresh section of Sephora--convincing the nice sales lady to make us samples of Sake and Sugar. Sugar for me, Sake for hannah. And then I was grazed by a volleyball in Union Square park. my luck. lol.

xo

p.s. one of my fellow bloggers called me "pretty." and it stuck. every girl should tell another girl they're pretty. do it today...

for rachel, and the (dreadful) dnc comedians.

will we ever tire of this song? not as long as jane has that braided mullet and nose-ear ring. hot.

hannah loves me. i love hannah.

it's grand to be loved. reciprocated love. simple, complicated love. i was thinking, hannah--when we finally open our cafe-boutique, how about we name it "hannah and me"? or "ginger and me"? let's open it when i'm done with ny, and you're done with london, if ever.

speaking of love, this post is dedicated to the soon-to-be-wed sweethearts, christine and kevonne--both beautiful (i can't stop staring at both), and both interesting (i can't stop listening to them either). they'll marry sometime next year, and i'll be there (i hope i'm invited). kevonne recommended landmark for the BF, and christine recommended dr. hauschka for me--and after picking up a sample kit today from whole foods, i recommend dr. hauschka to everyone reading this (the quince lotion is my favorite so far--smells good enough to eat).

last night, kevonne, christine, hannah, and some guy who's name we can't remember (he was nice though), had dinner at grungy-but-charming Moto. high marks! yummy beer (abita), and although I had (more like, devoured) the mussels with cream sauce, the roasted chicken transcends mine--and that's saying alot. I'm already planning my return to this miniature billyburg spot. Or is it bushwick? Oh, and there was a barbershop quartet--in brooklyn!! lol. cute. and before the band, they played devotchka, whom i love. gotta put some of it on my "walking partner." i can't say enough about this place...but i'll quit now...

in other less-pleasant news, i have a bitch of a burn blister on my thumb. i don't know what to do about it. lesson learned: don't fuck with the linea pro.

oh, and more, other less-pleasant news, degree women's deodorant does not work. at least not in august.

i can't wait to move
i can't wait to move
i can't wait to move
i can't wait to move
(you'll here me say that often for the next 2 weeks)

xo

big baby.

i totally forgot to post this...a big congrats to my wonderful friend Tammy--who had her 2nd son on Sunday. And a linebacker at that--8 pounds, 7 ounces! I can't wait to see the big little guy!

Okay...I have nothing else to say about babies, you all know how I feel about this topic, and frankly, I'm opening up to the idea of prolonging my procreative activities until my late-late 30s, early-early 40s. Last night, my roomie was hot-and-bothered about how she's "36 and wants to have a baby!!" And I told her, "you've got plenty of time." Maybe that was a lie tho--wrapped up in wishful thinking. I don't know the lifespan of her uterus. Yet, I'm holding onto hope. I was a late bloomer--didn't get my cycle until 14--and so damnit--that should tack on a couple extra years of fertility. Wait--I just said I have "nothing else to say about babies," didn't I?

yanni's body double.

gosh...what a day! ugh. I'm just now getting to post my blog for the day, and so--just to warn you--everything here will seem very after-the-fact and all-over-the-place. nothing unsual, if you're a frequent reader tho.

I'd like to say "Try the food at Kampuchea" (cambodian spot in the LES). I went there last night with my friends D. and T.--and while the food felt great going down, when i got home--well let's just say, my tummy wasn't in agreement with my tastebuds. kinda unfair. I'll spare you the details. I will, however, highly--HIGHHHLY--recommend the Coconut Rum Mojitos! yow! D. if you're reading this, last night was loads of fun. All the way down to the the yanni-body-double sighting, AND realizing I went to college with said yanni-body-double's buddy.

D's a romantic. We were talking a bit about relationships and he says you have to ask yourself, "what are my expectations?" "What do i need from this person," and "Do they live up to that," or something like that (I can't recall his wording exactly). But, I got so stumped, because my goal is to not get caught up in expectations, to go with the flow, and have fun. I said, that's "my goal." But, is that adult? I just want to be happy...and it'd be great to share that with the guy I love. Isn't that enough? Gosh, I dunno about all this relationship stuff...I'm so bad at it really...

...but my dear friend has an interesting take on it today. It's on Sperm Shooters. yep, i said sperm shooters. go on over there...you know you want to.

moving on...

and here's a very cool article with the coolest pic of a very cool guy...(turn to page E5 in the Weekend section). Note: He's not actually "Canadian-born."

I'm seeing an apartment in the LES today, and I cannot afford the rent. Eh well. I'm still gonna see it and who knows...maybe I can work something out.

*a thought of the day: What if everyday you say something nice to a total stranger? Could you keep it up? and would this little exchange of good feelings make their day as well as yours? I dunno. This morning the starbucks cashier says to me, "Boy, you smell good!" And I smiled and thanked her...and it made me feel good. She gave me my morning kick...coffee with compliments.

xoxo

i found a smile.

he asked me for a smile. and normally i'd ignore it, roll my eyes, bite my lip. But today, I gave it easily to a kind stranger. and then I cried again, but this time, tears of relief.

p.s. many thanks to a dear dear friend for the gift of good gab, and to shamones for sushi and laughs.

there's nothing on this earth...

...that compares to hard, stomach-achy laughter with a dear friend over beer (followed by yummy jumbo slices)--in a crowded room where no one else matters. I don't know why we were so tickled by a silly conversation on how we find it practically impossible to fart in front of our lovers...but it was the best therapy I've had in months.

p.s. the DL post is coming next...

subtle changes make a girl feel new.

yep, i cut and straightened it...sorta Katie Holmes or Suri...my roomie says Rihanna. I dunno...I like it. I hope I can still get a little ponytail... p.s. (Keith Campbell is the "architect," btw.)

so, we all know the cure for rough times...

...(or happy times) is retail therapy. So, I indulged a bit yesterday with my roomie. We hit up Sephora and Kiehl's and went a little crazy on the makeup-that-looks-like-you're-not-wearing-makeup products. (Note: if you haven't figured it out yet, this post is a tad bit girlie--but to my two or three male readers, feel free to pass these tips along to your lady or sister.)

Here's what I "discovered" and I highly HIGHLY recommend these fab products:

Ohh La Lift - You know when you feel like you look like a raccoon, but you don't want to pile on a ton of concealer? Well, this stuff is magical--it de-puffs you and gives a slight illumination to your under-eye area. It's magic--seriously.

Benetint - You may already know the joys of Benetint, but if not, here you go. You get a perfectly natural stain for cheeks and lips that doesn't fade. Think, you just drank some red fruit punch...and your lips are stained for the entire day. It's a good thing, trust me.

Boi-ing - If you haven't slept in 3 days, or you just had a rough night--this industrial strength concealer makes it all go away (except for the hang-over part).

Blue Herbal Spot Treatment - Every girl knows that good skin is clean skin--and tight, shrunken pores. Swipe it on before bed--wash it off in the morning.

Ultra Facial Tinted Moisturizer - Although the weather seems a bit bi-polar right now--this stuff gives you that just-enough beachy glow...really subtle, lightweight, and hydrating. And it has sunscreen.

Illuminating Veil - Oh boy...this stuff is so lovely. It's gives a slight, dewy shimmer...but not that artificial, teeny-bopper sparkle. And it's minerals, so it's healthy and safe for sensitive skin types. I recommend Nude Glow. Best of all it's around 10 bucks at your drugstore.

Enjoy!

by and by--small splashes of insight.

i'm having trouble putting my feelings of-late into words. I keep writing a blog, and then scrapping it. Also, when I started posting here, I was so unafraid of being completely honest, and then I thought "well, what about privacy?" and again, I find myself wanting to open up in small doses--there's more room out than there is in.

So in a conversation with one of my lovely girlfriends, I shared some true words (with typos) that made a lot of sense to me. There are times that I loathe being such a tattered product of my past relationships, and then there are times like this that I like it because I can say 'i'm moving past it and i'm still worthy of love.'

"one of the reasons XXXXXX and I were having problems was b/c
of my fear--and the fear was messing with our relationship. He said
it was difficult for him to have to constantly prove he loves me...
and then still, the very next day, I'd still need him to prove it
again. He said it had been taking a toll on him for almost 6 months.
So, in order for us to stay together, I literally took a vow to work
on it, and to just go with the flow and trust that, even if he's out
on the road for [work]--it's his career, and it doesn't mean he
doesn't love me or that he's not there for me.

What a hole I guess I'd dug myself into. The thing is, I don't know
when it happened that I allowed it to start eating away at me. I used
to be fine--and then, when I allow logic to butt in, I'm totally fine.
But I guess it gets to him, and it's unfair and it puts unnecessary
stress on both of us. And stress is not something either of us needs,
particularly since we don't see eachother that often and we should be
focusing on the good things and just loving eachother...

...Boy, this is complicated! But really--i spent the whole weekend
with XXXXXX just focusing on how special our relationship really is
and how great our dynamic is and how love is wonderful and all that
cheesy stuff. And, by the end of the weekend, I just felt good. None
of that fear, and uncertainty. I mean, yes, it's still there...but
there really is a lot to be said for positive thinking. First you
think it, then you keep thinking it, then it becomes a part of your
thought process without you having to place it there."

the super-adult women. and me.

Today, it occurred to me (and not for the first time in the past year), that I am lagging behind. I've missed the proverbial boat. Depending on how you look at it--I'm either refusing to grow up, or every woman around me is insisting on being "super-adult."

So, I'm sitting there at lunch with women old enough to be maybe my slightly older sisters, and they start chatting away about their recipes, kayaking, grilling with their husbands, and it dawns on me--I feel light years behind these women in dosmestic, culinary, and well, kayaking aptitude. I truly couldn't hang--not with the conversation, and not with the talk about the versatility of Omaha Steaks. So I quickly gobbled my eggplant parmesan, excused myself, and went to my room....well, my office.

But for a moment, before I escaped from the table, I wondered why I'd been so bored with these women--and why I had not yet embraced all the wonderful grown-up things that these women found so fascinating and essential to their womanhood. Yet, I shutter at the thought that I'm somehow less of a woman because I don't care much about the best way to keep a house clean and a husband happy....but maybe...hmmm...i dunno.

All around me, women are growing up. My friends are having babies and getting married, and of course, I'm doing neither. It's not even penciled in my 2008/2009 calendar. I could say my moving to a "new" city is my own little way of growing up, but most of these adult women would think "When is she gonna just settle down and be comfortable?" I've already gotten the "Wow, you move a lot!" from a couple of my co-workers. (These uber-adult women are quite vocal.) I wonder why they're concerned...yet I admit to myself that moving isn't so much grown up as it is uncertain...unsure...unsettled...and still figuring life out. And well, yes, I'm all those things. I'm not saying I don't want the opposite, but I can't help that my pace is different. I got a late start, and then lost my map, and had a couple setbacks, and then figured out, that I was enjoying the journey anyway, so why rush it.

The only thing, I guess I can do, from this point on, is to find a new lunch table. I mean, I'd rather lag, than sit tight-lipped at the adult-woman table hiding my real self.

p.s. Today, I really missed my cool DC girlfriends--and how we indulge unapologetically in hours of crap-talking over coffees on the best hair juices and berries, that thing so-in-so did that made you laugh your ass off, who has the best happy hour drinks in town, and why on earth super-adult boys are so damned nuts.

either we're the femme United Nations...

or a perfect Benetton ad. Either way...these beautiful (inside and out) girls make my life so much grander! Betcha can't tell which one is me... p.s. we were at Jaleo in DC--and it was my first time there. Some of the best tapas I've had in a long time--kudos to the chef for wrapping bacon around a date and frying it! Yum!! But then again, you can wrap bacon around a beetle, and I'm sure I'd eat it.

my hair smells like a big bowl of fruit.

(In case you hadn't guessed, that's my hair up there.) I'm blessed/cursed with wiry, curly, wavy, unruly, straight-in-some-places-kinky-in-others hair. When I was a wee-girl, I'd run and hide from my mom when she tried to comb it, and my grandma used to call it "wild-woman hair." After nearly 30 years of running and hiding, I think I've sort of almost figured out a good mix of products to tame the "wild-woman." It's still a work in progress, and it's still winter, so who knows what will happen when the spring/summer humidity sets in. But for now, I'm sorta happy with my healthy hair regimen.

Back in the day, the only hair products I had to work with were Royal Crown and Cholesterol. I've seen hard times with this hair--poodle cuts, the mushroom (the guy from "No Country for Old Men" has nothing on me circa 1995 and 1997), half-done blow outs (what can I say, my arms get sore quickly), the Halle-Berry cut waaaay before there was a Halle-Berry cut (she stole my haircut!), one bad weave, and every type of braid you can think of. But now and I'm back at square one...the wash-n-go, whatever, low-stress, natural 'do. I'm seriously too lazy for anything else.

So here's my recipe:
ξ Shampoo and condition two or three times a week.
ξ Moisturize. A little bit goes a long way, and it smells fruity. Olive oil is a good substitute.
ξ Extra conditioning. I recommend two or three quartersized dollops of this stuff (products sold at CVS and on Ellin Lavar's web site).
ξ Pony tails, up-dos, chignons (i have no idea what those are), waves, and the like, try this stuff. It smells like fruit (yum!).
ξ Staying power. This stuff is great for when humidity strikes--but as with all of these products, don't over do it.
ξ These are also great products to try...for more defined curls...for light hold and shine...for lazy summer wash-n-go's...for a moisturizing boost...and for straight styles and blow-outs.

p.s. and here's another fab product I recently re-discovered.

happy styling!
(this is something I'd never say in real life, but I have no other creative way of ending this post.)

thanks angelica.

"just think of it as someone showing you how far you have come. it's a sign for you to appreciate what you have, who you are right now and the path your life has taken you...all because he was NOT in your life."

didn't want to go there...but here we go...

Last Saturday night, a dear friend and I were chattin, sippin, and semi-minglin (i was feeling anti-social. you'll see why in a sec) at a small arty-farty party, and an hour or so into it, a lying ex of hers showed up. My stomach was already weak from a touch of food-poisoning, and he successfully made it weaker. So I regretfully had to flee the lovely shindig to head home for some QT with the porcelain throne. TMI, I know. But as a sidenote: if you ever order french toast for breakfast and it's not all-the-way cooked, give it back immediately. Don't feel guilty about returning it and do not try to nibble at it...you'll pay dearly.

The next day when my friend told me that the pig had been chatting her up and standing by her side most of the night, I caught myself saying to her, "He's not your friend, you know. I've been there. I know how you feel, and you think there's some good in him, but he's NOT your friend." Ick! I wanted to take it all back right as it flew out of my mouth. It felt preachy. What's more, it felt judgemental and I despise judgemental remarks. The commentary came from a personal place though. It was something my ex used to say to me about an old dude I once called a "friend" who hurt me in college, and then after college, and then again years into my 20s, and then when I was just about in ruins, he re-surfaced to hurt me again about a year ago. For almost a decade, I didn't want to see it for what it was (fraud and bullshit), and saying it to my friend reminded me of my short-sightedness and anger.

I blurted out "he's not your friend" because I wanted to save my friend from the fucked-up-ness that comes from offering friendship to a man who doesn't deserve it. Woman-haters, I call them. When my ex gave me this bit of advice, I ignored it because I was caught up in some warped Anne-Frank belief that this asshole had good in him. I rationalized his flaws as "human." I mean, I am flawed, so who am I to write someone off for making a few mistakes? ya know? I mean, it was "human" for him to promise to show up at Port Authority for one of our weekend trysts, but then cancel the day before because he had to "catsit for his mom." right? It was "human" for him to not be able to make up his mind between me and door numbers one, two, and three--wasn't it? It was "human" for him to tell me he wasn't ready for what I was ready for, but then a month later gush to me about his "new girlfriend." And the very next month, cry to me about what a crazy bitch his "new girlfriend" had morphed into and how he hadn't seen it coming. But he said he couldn't help it. "I dunno...something's wrong with me," he'd say. He had issues, ya know. "human" issues.

(I went to some other place just now, and I hadn't meant to. I didn't know I still had something to say about it.)

In any case, even with all dude's lies, I still chose to see the good because of my good feelings toward him, and how could he be so bad, if I had good feelings toward him? I trusted my judge of character. But he was bad nevertheless, and he was not my friend. I kept in touch with him, let him into my life, and held onto college memories of fun little betrayals and fearless laughter.

When we grow up, and we look back, and we see that the only thing standing between holding on and letting go are those memories, we should listen to our heads, and let go. A man who hurts you is not your friend. If he's lied to or cheated on you or both--or if he's cheated WITH YOU on one of his girlfriend's or just been a deceptive, manipulative asshole for his gain only--he is NOT your friend. He has not changed, he has not grown up, he is not different now. Yes, you are still beautiful, and you are his favorite, and he's always been able to talk to you about anything and everything. Through the years, you have been there. No other woman can compare. ever. yadda yadda yadda yadda. song-and-dance, song-and-dance, lies lies lies. He'll continue to hurt and disappoint you if you let him. But how come you can't see it when it's happening in front of you???

He will not "come around. eventually."

He'll tell you he's "not ready for a relationship right now," and while you sit and pine for him, he'll miraculously realize he's ready for marriage, WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Let him go! What's the point of keeping him around? Possibly he'll reel you in for a few moments of affection resulting in weeks of regret, and then he'll go missing. again. Until next time when he needs an ego boost.

In the words of my ex-boyfriend "Why are you still keeping in touch with him?" And I said, "Well, because we're friends." And then he says, "A friend wouldn't hurt you the way he did." I didn't listen. But mannnn, was he right.