Wednesday, January 16, 2008

didn't want to go there...but here we go...

Last Saturday night, a dear friend and I were chattin, sippin, and semi-minglin (i was feeling anti-social. you'll see why in a sec) at a small arty-farty party, and an hour or so into it, a lying ex of hers showed up. My stomach was already weak from a touch of food-poisoning, and he successfully made it weaker. So I regretfully had to flee the lovely shindig to head home for some QT with the porcelain throne. TMI, I know. But as a sidenote: if you ever order french toast for breakfast and it's not all-the-way cooked, give it back immediately. Don't feel guilty about returning it and do not try to nibble at'll pay dearly.

The next day when my friend told me that the pig had been chatting her up and standing by her side most of the night, I caught myself saying to her, "He's not your friend, you know. I've been there. I know how you feel, and you think there's some good in him, but he's NOT your friend." Ick! I wanted to take it all back right as it flew out of my mouth. It felt preachy. What's more, it felt judgemental and I despise judgemental remarks. The commentary came from a personal place though. It was something my ex used to say to me about an old dude I once called a "friend" who hurt me in college, and then after college, and then again years into my 20s, and then when I was just about in ruins, he re-surfaced to hurt me again about a year ago. For almost a decade, I didn't want to see it for what it was (fraud and bullshit), and saying it to my friend reminded me of my short-sightedness and anger.

I blurted out "he's not your friend" because I wanted to save my friend from the fucked-up-ness that comes from offering friendship to a man who doesn't deserve it. Woman-haters, I call them. When my ex gave me this bit of advice, I ignored it because I was caught up in some warped Anne-Frank belief that this asshole had good in him. I rationalized his flaws as "human." I mean, I am flawed, so who am I to write someone off for making a few mistakes? ya know? I mean, it was "human" for him to promise to show up at Port Authority for one of our weekend trysts, but then cancel the day before because he had to "catsit for his mom." right? It was "human" for him to not be able to make up his mind between me and door numbers one, two, and three--wasn't it? It was "human" for him to tell me he wasn't ready for what I was ready for, but then a month later gush to me about his "new girlfriend." And the very next month, cry to me about what a crazy bitch his "new girlfriend" had morphed into and how he hadn't seen it coming. But he said he couldn't help it. "I dunno...something's wrong with me," he'd say. He had issues, ya know. "human" issues.

(I went to some other place just now, and I hadn't meant to. I didn't know I still had something to say about it.)

In any case, even with all dude's lies, I still chose to see the good because of my good feelings toward him, and how could he be so bad, if I had good feelings toward him? I trusted my judge of character. But he was bad nevertheless, and he was not my friend. I kept in touch with him, let him into my life, and held onto college memories of fun little betrayals and fearless laughter.

When we grow up, and we look back, and we see that the only thing standing between holding on and letting go are those memories, we should listen to our heads, and let go. A man who hurts you is not your friend. If he's lied to or cheated on you or both--or if he's cheated WITH YOU on one of his girlfriend's or just been a deceptive, manipulative asshole for his gain only--he is NOT your friend. He has not changed, he has not grown up, he is not different now. Yes, you are still beautiful, and you are his favorite, and he's always been able to talk to you about anything and everything. Through the years, you have been there. No other woman can compare. ever. yadda yadda yadda yadda. song-and-dance, song-and-dance, lies lies lies. He'll continue to hurt and disappoint you if you let him. But how come you can't see it when it's happening in front of you???

He will not "come around. eventually."

He'll tell you he's "not ready for a relationship right now," and while you sit and pine for him, he'll miraculously realize he's ready for marriage, WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Let him go! What's the point of keeping him around? Possibly he'll reel you in for a few moments of affection resulting in weeks of regret, and then he'll go missing. again. Until next time when he needs an ego boost.

In the words of my ex-boyfriend "Why are you still keeping in touch with him?" And I said, "Well, because we're friends." And then he says, "A friend wouldn't hurt you the way he did." I didn't listen. But mannnn, was he right.

1 comment:

asabi said...

that was good advice you gave your friend. lets hope she listens.