this one's from the day it rained all day.

a grey street in Old Montreal...near Champ De Mars. The others are still on the BF's camera and he promises to upload them pronto. So BF, if you're reading this...send the pics! You're holding up the works! Although, I have to be honest...most of the pics are a lot like this one...I was obsessed with the old, stone buildings and cobblestoned streets. Anyhoo...

I blog often on relationships, in particular my romantic relationship--because it's very high up there to me. Because there have been ups and downs. but oh the beautiful ups! but then, the discouraging downs. A move. A test. A near break up. A question. A promise. A re-affirmation. All over the course of 5 months. And it doesn't end there...I know....i'm sure....it doesn't get easier, tho maybe with faith we can get stronger.

So, here's the part of my vacation that I'll speak on tonight, so that I can talk about the coolness that is Montreal tomorrow. Well, for me it was a vacation, but for the BF it was more like working remotely--and I didn't take it well. I can be selfish and spoiled--but I can compromise and I can listen and give--and I tried hard at the latter last week. But not soon enough. At first I lead with my emotions...which left me feeling like "I don't know what I want" from him. And him likely feeling like he wanted to bolt. I need counseling. Or I need to ease up. Think things through. Write it all here. Talk.

I thought I'd be okay strolling around the lovely city solo, exploring, drinking coffee, shopping--my favorite things...and I was for a bit. Really, I was. But then I started to think too deeply--and wonder why he'd invited me on this trip. The "shoulds" entered my head, and the faith went out the other end. The stress and frustration of being the supportive girlfriend...with the smile and the nod and the best-face-forward...at some point got to me. Yes, we enjoyed our breakfasts together, and sangria--a tradition for us, it seems. And our coffee...and walks...another tradition. But still...

So, I felt myself pulling. Wanting inside of a part of him I have no access to. Wishing I knew want to say...some words to make him feel hopeful about his dreams. Wanting to feel something other than useless. I wanted to comfort him when things didn't go his way--he'd do the same for me--not listening to my inner voice that told me to just "leave him be and let him find his way." I hate fixing problems...yet, it's something I lean toward when I love hard. A flaw and a gift of sorts. Loving hard.

On the morning that I couldn't speak to him, he reached out to me sleepily and said "But. I'm learning too." He was worn. I wrapped my arms around him. Wanting to take away whatever had happened last night...

I was on vaca...and he was working...and everyone around me spoke French...and so many things felt like they'd be so much more interesting or funny with him around. and I wondered which one of us had been selfish. Was it me for wanting to go with him on this trip and not fully realizing that I'd have a lot of "me time" and that it wouldn't be a real vaca for both of us...or was it him, for not telling me to "not come"? Maybe both...maybe neither. Why ponder? What I did ponder was this question: "can i do this?" There were two moments when I wanted to say to him "go away. be free. go." but then I'd feel so wrong after seeing how tough his day had been. And how he'd still find time to listen to the mini-series of my day.

On the road trip home...i slid my fingers inside his. "I love you more in America than I do in Canada," I half-joked. And we shared a smile...and in those few seconds, I knew I didn't want him to be free.