Wednesday, July 9, 2008

i'm not distraught. and i'm not sad nor hurt.

Just needed to make that clear.

I overheard a little conversation in the cafeteria today.

Guy 1: What the heck's going on with A-Rod, man?
Guy 2: I dunno. He should have been like (mumbled name) and never gotten married.
Guy 1: Yeah.

Would it have been rude of me to chime in with my 2-cents: "He should have honored the vows of his marriage, and been faithful to the woman he loved and had children with, and NOT cheated on her. That's what he SHOULD have done."

I guess I knew it wasn't my place, besides, I'm not a baseball fan--so I grabbed my toasted bagel (yes, I'm still eating bagels from the cafeteria), and left. Thinking the whole time, "Men! ugh!"

I'll admit--a tiny part of me agrees with Guys 1 and 2. Maybe he shouldn't have gotten married. Maybe it wasn't for him in the first place. But he did...and because of that, I'd like to think that little promise ending in "til death do us part" applies to him.

Seriously though. I'm over men today. And not because of A-Rod. Not because of Christie Brinkley's hubby either. And I'm over some women too. I'm not bashing, but lately, I've been giving some thoughts over to what the option to cheat and deceive is doing to my faith in long-lasting real love. I don't know if A-Rod was in love, nor Christie Brinkley's husband...I don't believe in celebrity "love" for the most part anyway. I'm talking about the real thing--and I want to believe (like Juno did), that two people can stay together. I want and need to see that happen--right in front of me. A mushy, syrupy, romantic story with a happy ending. Is that too much to ask?


When i first met the BF, in a conversation (i think) on friendship, I noticed he rarely mentioned his female friends. So I brought it up to him.

him: I have some...but it's risky. I can't have women friends that I find attractive.
me: Why not? (digging, of course)
him: Because it'll always lead to something else.

My first thought? "I'm dating a pure slut"...and how much "something else-ing is he doing?" And now? On one hand, I respect and accept it. I get it. He knows himself and doesn't want to cross the line that would jeopardize his relationship with me. I see it as "temptation removed." On the other hand, this "I don't have any female friends" was announced early in our relationship, when things were less complicated, to put my mind at ease--and keep me around. What's stopping him now--comes to mind a lot. Love? Faith? Possibly. And the onus is on me to trust--and suppress my imagination, and what I know can and could happen. And I do. But do I trust other women? Honest answer? No. I've seen it happen toooooo many times. A guy is in a relationship. A woman is outside of the relationship in "friend" position. But she's "easy to talk to," and it just so happens to be the case when his girlfriend is not, or when they're having issues. And while I'm not placing sole blame on "woman friend..." have some fucking respect!

When a man is in a relationship--even when he loves his woman--he still misses single life. Woman typically does not. He sees a theme park filled with fun and games and candy and rides happening in front of him...he's standing at the gate, but forbidden to go in. While woman may see the theme park as dangerous, crowded, and full of cheap thrills. When a man is in a relationship--even when he's happy--he's still aware of all these things that are out of reach because of his woman. Sure he loves her, but a man's love is not the same as a woman's. And who does he talk to about all this? The woman friend. And woman friend has all the answers and knows just what to say since she's detached from his emotions....and it's new, and she's cool, and she's fun, and light, and easy. And what else? Woman friend reminds him of what it feels like to be ride the rides, play the games, eat the candy. He likes the attention...and knowing that even though he's in a committed relationship....the lingering commitment-phobic piece of him gapes over his shoulder, and challenges him: "man, go ahead. See if you've still got it." She's temptation. temptation can be dangerous. dangerous can be fun...and he's turned on by the wrongness of it. "Hey, what could it hurt, if...?" And then.

It's an old story.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I sat down and started typing...and there it went. I guess I just want someone to show me how to know and how to be sure and what to expect. Or maybe that's my problem, expecting. Expectations. I wish I could listen to what Hannah once told me. It went something like this: Take the love in your life for what it is...don't build yourself up to expect more. And enjoy it while you have it...knowing that no matter how short-lived, it added something wonderful to your life for that moment of time.

p.s. ...or...possibly, enjoy the rides, candy, danger, and cheap thrills TOGETHER.


rashad said...

This is a loaded topic, so I'll just speak on ARod, and the comment Guy #2 made, because that's the safest one right now. Its my theory that athletes shouldn't get married until they retire. groupie love is real and spectacular, the travel is hell on a marriage, and you can't see your kids until you retire anyway. so from THAT standpoint, i feel him.

Angda said...

I'll add my 2 cents as the "almost at the 5-year mark in the marriage" friend. I take marriage really seriously. When I hear about people at work having affairs and screwing around w/colleagues, part of me says, "whatever, it's none of my business" but another part of me is disgusted. If you want to f-around then don't commit to a marriage. Don't do that to your spouse.

One thing that I would never be able to accept is infidelity [the other is abuse, but that's a whole different topic]. If things got to the point that you want to have a physical or emotional affair, then we are not meant to be in a marriage. This is not "having your cake and eating it too."

When I got married, did I expect "forever"? Of course! But I don't think I realized what that meant. It was sort of an understanding that we would be together and work toward a life together. You just assume that the love will grow with you.

We were just in Toronto visiting my aunt and uncle. Both are retired and have their community work and travel. I talked to D about doing the same some day, and we talked about pensions and relaxing later in life and for the first time I felt like, "we are going to grow old together!" And it was a comforting yet frightening thought. Scary, because the years just fly by and we won't be young for much longer, and comforting to hope that we will have our companionship in our later years.

So where am I going w/this now? It's fine to live life in the moment and enjoy what you have. But take your marriage vows seriously or don't do them. Cheating is just wrong. To me, it's really that simple. Whether it be a celebrity or the person next door: don't play games with another person's life. And if you screw up, then pay up!

Nina said...

i agree with Rashad this is definitely a loaded topic and i have been on both sides of the fence...but i appreciate your analysis/comparison...i have been trying to explain to my seemingly super naive bf the possible pitfalls of having female friends but my arguments get clouded by emotion and annoyance so i emailed him your entry--i think its perfect...maybe he will finally get it!

etoilee8 said...

You are blaming females here A LOT. From this blog post it sounds like you think men are weaker to temptations than women are. I don't think that's true at all. We live in a sex crazed society. Isn't it 50% of marriages that end in divorce now? Infidelity happens on both sides of the line.

I'm sorry but if the man is spending all this time talking to the "friend", maybe just maybe that's because things are really not right in the relationship and not because the friend is tempting him away and reminding him of the "ideal" single life. Ideal my ass.

I recently cut the ties with many of my male friends. Not because I'm so in lurrrve with them but because I'm so sick of dishing out advice on how to deal with their girlfriends.

- What to buy for Christmas.
- Why you should apologize because you clearly acted like an asshat. - Why you never buy carnations because you look like a cheapskate.

I'm sorry but I'm a good female friend, not a scandalous hussy. But everyone acts like because you're single, you're there to unload on and dish out the female point-of-view. Not anymore. This free shrink has closed her doors for business. I'm officially sick of other people's relationships. Including celebrities. I mean why do people sincerely care about celebrity marriages? They usually more money than brains. . .

Chubbs said...

Rashad -- Yeah, ur reason I'd never ever date a pro-athlete. I've heard even Kobe still cheats on his'd think he'd have learned...sad.

Angda--this is valuable insight, my friend. Made me smile...xoxo

Oh Nina--good luck to you. He'll probably laugh and tell you "chubbs is nuts."

Etoilee -- Does it come across as me blaming females? Didn't mean it that way...just providing a scenario--of course there are many variations, and if there's cheating, emotional or physical, yes, it COULD simply be that the relationship is not a working one.

I think I'm also trying to point out here that men enjoy the company and attention of women--and that's fine...totally human and lovely...but it can cause tensions when he's in a relationship or married....even when it's a good one.