Monday, July 21, 2008

this one's from the day it rained all day.

a grey street in Old Montreal...near Champ De Mars. The others are still on the BF's camera and he promises to upload them pronto. So BF, if you're reading this...send the pics! You're holding up the works! Although, I have to be honest...most of the pics are a lot like this one...I was obsessed with the old, stone buildings and cobblestoned streets. Anyhoo...

I blog often on relationships, in particular my romantic relationship--because it's very high up there to me. Because there have been ups and downs. but oh the beautiful ups! but then, the discouraging downs. A move. A test. A near break up. A question. A promise. A re-affirmation. All over the course of 5 months. And it doesn't end there...I know....i'm sure....it doesn't get easier, tho maybe with faith we can get stronger.

So, here's the part of my vacation that I'll speak on tonight, so that I can talk about the coolness that is Montreal tomorrow. Well, for me it was a vacation, but for the BF it was more like working remotely--and I didn't take it well. I can be selfish and spoiled--but I can compromise and I can listen and give--and I tried hard at the latter last week. But not soon enough. At first I lead with my emotions...which left me feeling like "I don't know what I want" from him. And him likely feeling like he wanted to bolt. I need counseling. Or I need to ease up. Think things through. Write it all here. Talk.

I thought I'd be okay strolling around the lovely city solo, exploring, drinking coffee, shopping--my favorite things...and I was for a bit. Really, I was. But then I started to think too deeply--and wonder why he'd invited me on this trip. The "shoulds" entered my head, and the faith went out the other end. The stress and frustration of being the supportive girlfriend...with the smile and the nod and the best-face-forward...at some point got to me. Yes, we enjoyed our breakfasts together, and sangria--a tradition for us, it seems. And our coffee...and walks...another tradition. But still...

So, I felt myself pulling. Wanting inside of a part of him I have no access to. Wishing I knew want to say...some words to make him feel hopeful about his dreams. Wanting to feel something other than useless. I wanted to comfort him when things didn't go his way--he'd do the same for me--not listening to my inner voice that told me to just "leave him be and let him find his way." I hate fixing problems...yet, it's something I lean toward when I love hard. A flaw and a gift of sorts. Loving hard.

On the morning that I couldn't speak to him, he reached out to me sleepily and said "But. I'm learning too." He was worn. I wrapped my arms around him. Wanting to take away whatever had happened last night...

I was on vaca...and he was working...and everyone around me spoke French...and so many things felt like they'd be so much more interesting or funny with him around. and I wondered which one of us had been selfish. Was it me for wanting to go with him on this trip and not fully realizing that I'd have a lot of "me time" and that it wouldn't be a real vaca for both of us...or was it him, for not telling me to "not come"? Maybe both...maybe neither. Why ponder? What I did ponder was this question: "can i do this?" There were two moments when I wanted to say to him "go away. be free. go." but then I'd feel so wrong after seeing how tough his day had been. And how he'd still find time to listen to the mini-series of my day.

On the road trip home...i slid my fingers inside his. "I love you more in America than I do in Canada," I half-joked. And we shared a smile...and in those few seconds, I knew I didn't want him to be free.

3 comments:

rashad said...

I hate to admit this, and in fact if you ask about this later I will deny it vehemently, but I once saw a Sex and the City episdode where Carrie was alone in France I think. Her feelings about exploring the city solo were much like yours towards the start of this entry.

Angda said...

The same thing happened to us in Vegas. D went out there early for a conference and I flew out for the weekend. My assumption was that we'd spend the weekend together at the casino pool. But the conference wasn't over and he had follow-up meetings and I spent most of Saturday alone at the pool. And altho I'm quite self reliant and love to indulge in my own whims, I was angry at him for working and not being with me, and I didn't appreciate the time we did spend together. He wanted me to come to the conference and hang out as his table, and I wanted no part of that.

Like you, I was on vaca and he was working and I felt this wall between us, like we hadn't communicated properly, and I would have come more prepared--brought books to read or work of my own or something. But I didn't and for whatever reason, walking around the gorgeous casinos alone got boring and it was really too hot to go outside. And then I felt bad for whining because I want to support his goals and champion his success. It's just hard sometimes.

There's nothing wrong with being needy and selfish every now and then. But if this is how he works, then you have to be ready for it. I'm getting more used to things myself. But I agree; it's a lot easier to support his ambition at home than while on vaca. I never feel lonely in Chicago...

Chubbs said...

You're so right, Angda. I really needed to hear that. Love is so complicated.