under normal circumstances...

...i wouldn't blog on these types of topics, but i have very little to chat about today...not much going on...and i think i need some perspective.

last night, i had dinner with an old roomie, and his boyfriend. Said boyfriend is in his 40s and ready for children--all he needs really is a "host." That's where I come in. He lives in this amazing duplex--perfect place really--and says I can live there rent free, 6 months minimum, if i'll give him my eggs. There's also an option to be artificially inseminated and be the surrogate. at first thought, I wanted to blurt out "nooooo!"

But then, is it such a bad idea? i'm just not so sure...

it was a steamy night.

walking up Broadway with R., i can feel our short break from haze and humidity ending.

so i got home, drank some ice water, took off my clothes, felt good, and played in my new shoes (i'm obsessed with them)...and nothing else... p.s. for decency's sake, i had to cut one of them in half. the pic, not the shoes. :-)

afternoon delight.

and no, not THAT kind.

my fingers smell like lemons, and try and I might to keep my fingers on the keyboard, I just can't stop sniffing them **there I go again**

:-)

today, I took a yoga class at work--for the first time in about 3 years...and that does it...i'm dedicating my life to it. madonna, eat your heart out!

and a quote. I've been looking for this one...
The road to positivity is strewn with the abandoned vehicles of the faint-hearted.
--Peter McWilliams (i haven't a clue who he is...but hats off to him for the wise words)

i went for a long walk in brooklyn....

...finally found Habana Outpost. I've been a fan of its Nolita sister for several years...and back when I first moved to NY, it was one of the only dining-out spots I could afford on my tiny peanut salary. If you happen to find yourself here, you MUST try the famous seasoned corn. This summer hangout had been staring me in the face apparently...because it's literally diagonal to my hair guy.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm utterly head over heels for this borough--and want it to take me under its wing and make me one of its own. I can breathe here and it feels like home...and ahhh...the pizza (Not Ray's please)!

Today the Countdown til Brooklyn begins...

writing a first novel.

step 1: admitting it.

step 2: giving into it. (no, it's not the same thing as admitting it.)

step 3: plopping down 2 bucks for a notebook with a couple hundred blank pages that you'll wrecklessly fill with anything from aimless gibberish to literary gold. please...let there be more gold and less gibberish!

p.s. it rained hard today, but this time, i didn't run--i reveled in it. a tiny grocery storefront in Fort Greene, BK (L’Epicerie). cute, isn't it?

i found a smile.

he asked me for a smile. and normally i'd ignore it, roll my eyes, bite my lip. But today, I gave it easily to a kind stranger. and then I cried again, but this time, tears of relief.

p.s. many thanks to a dear dear friend for the gift of good gab, and to shamones for sushi and laughs.

today i bought a one-week subway pass.

a full pass. something i never do because I usually think "but 2 days of it will go to waste."

i read my book on the train tonight--crying all the way uptown--hoping everyone would think "oh, that must be a sad sad book."

i want to post my montreal pics--so that the few who read this blog will think "things must be back to normal."

i want to be okay. i want to jump. but it's not going to be today.

forecast.

last night the rain came back.

and it crashed hard on my window. woke me twice.

so loud. i thought it might break through.

it didn't. it pitied me. hushed me back to sleep.

then went away.

but the thunder shook me awake. uncaring. a warning.

and now i miss the rain.

(p.s. nevermind what i said yesterday.)

nothing today...nor tomorrow.

going away for a few days...mentally. i hope to be up and running again soon. just need to some time to gather the pieces. Or maybe get rid of the pieces. i don't know what to do with them.

xoxo.

this one's from the day it rained all day.

a grey street in Old Montreal...near Champ De Mars. The others are still on the BF's camera and he promises to upload them pronto. So BF, if you're reading this...send the pics! You're holding up the works! Although, I have to be honest...most of the pics are a lot like this one...I was obsessed with the old, stone buildings and cobblestoned streets. Anyhoo...

I blog often on relationships, in particular my romantic relationship--because it's very high up there to me. Because there have been ups and downs. but oh the beautiful ups! but then, the discouraging downs. A move. A test. A near break up. A question. A promise. A re-affirmation. All over the course of 5 months. And it doesn't end there...I know....i'm sure....it doesn't get easier, tho maybe with faith we can get stronger.

So, here's the part of my vacation that I'll speak on tonight, so that I can talk about the coolness that is Montreal tomorrow. Well, for me it was a vacation, but for the BF it was more like working remotely--and I didn't take it well. I can be selfish and spoiled--but I can compromise and I can listen and give--and I tried hard at the latter last week. But not soon enough. At first I lead with my emotions...which left me feeling like "I don't know what I want" from him. And him likely feeling like he wanted to bolt. I need counseling. Or I need to ease up. Think things through. Write it all here. Talk.

I thought I'd be okay strolling around the lovely city solo, exploring, drinking coffee, shopping--my favorite things...and I was for a bit. Really, I was. But then I started to think too deeply--and wonder why he'd invited me on this trip. The "shoulds" entered my head, and the faith went out the other end. The stress and frustration of being the supportive girlfriend...with the smile and the nod and the best-face-forward...at some point got to me. Yes, we enjoyed our breakfasts together, and sangria--a tradition for us, it seems. And our coffee...and walks...another tradition. But still...

So, I felt myself pulling. Wanting inside of a part of him I have no access to. Wishing I knew want to say...some words to make him feel hopeful about his dreams. Wanting to feel something other than useless. I wanted to comfort him when things didn't go his way--he'd do the same for me--not listening to my inner voice that told me to just "leave him be and let him find his way." I hate fixing problems...yet, it's something I lean toward when I love hard. A flaw and a gift of sorts. Loving hard.

On the morning that I couldn't speak to him, he reached out to me sleepily and said "But. I'm learning too." He was worn. I wrapped my arms around him. Wanting to take away whatever had happened last night...

I was on vaca...and he was working...and everyone around me spoke French...and so many things felt like they'd be so much more interesting or funny with him around. and I wondered which one of us had been selfish. Was it me for wanting to go with him on this trip and not fully realizing that I'd have a lot of "me time" and that it wouldn't be a real vaca for both of us...or was it him, for not telling me to "not come"? Maybe both...maybe neither. Why ponder? What I did ponder was this question: "can i do this?" There were two moments when I wanted to say to him "go away. be free. go." but then I'd feel so wrong after seeing how tough his day had been. And how he'd still find time to listen to the mini-series of my day.

On the road trip home...i slid my fingers inside his. "I love you more in America than I do in Canada," I half-joked. And we shared a smile...and in those few seconds, I knew I didn't want him to be free.

i'm home.

yay. no really...YAY! Montreal was here and there...good overall though. As soon as we hit 178th Street, I wanted to pop out of the car and run around like a kid. New York hasn't been all sun and stars for me, but it's home. Sometimes going away really makes you appreciate where you live...and your own bed!

So, I walked in the door, the BF dropped off my suitcase, and then ran back out to complete the next 4 hour-leg of his trip home :-( Took a cold shower...MAN, IT'S HOT DOWN HERE. I should toot Canada's horn and mention that Montreal got up to the low 80s, but there was NO HUMIDITY...none. I'll have to upload pics and fill you in on more of what happened up there...but not now. For now, I've got the tele on, and there are no french films or french shows or french music videos. I can finally watch CSI and Law & Order SVU in ENGLISH!!!

I gotta go...my tummy's growling, and after a week away, still no mold on my Wonder bread. how lucky is that? So, I'm gonna make a pb&j, sit on the couch, and watch some American TV. And I'm not gonna unpack, or even peek at my work email (oy vey) until tomorrow.

p.s. just this and then i'll shut up. I saw a homeless punk kid yesterday with a pet squirrel. it sat there leashed on his shoulder, sort of like a parrot, while he paid for his cigarettes at Couche Tard (the Quebec equivalent of 7-Eleven)...while the cashier and everyone in the line stared in either disgust or amazement. I just wanted him to pay quickly and get the hell out of there before that squirrel made a try at freedom.

a little more of days 2 and 4.

I've had so much to blog about...hope I can remember it all...but so little time to do it...not to mention a dreadful, snail pace of an internet connection. and, beyond the loveliness of montreal...this trip has been a rollercoaster. my relationship with the BF is a roller coaster. You can't take two very complicated people and have a simple, peaceful relationship. Together we brew emotion and craziness and depression. I love him though...so I don't care. But is it healthy? I dunno. I rarely question it--getting everything out and speaking on my every feeling to him--both awesome and awful--feels healthy. But, damn it...it takes an Aquarian to pick another Aquarian, eh? I digress.

I'm certain I was supposed to fill you in on something from Day 2. Paul Mooney. The first thing he says to me is "nice purse!" So, you know what I thought. hmmm. But, seriously, it was cool and terribly special to have silly chit chat over "fish bowls" (see below for reference) with a guy who wrote jokes for Pryor. When does that happen? And if you were wondering--YES, he is just as irreverent and racy as he was on Chappelle. Here's a close-up of the delicious fruity fish bowl. I could only handle 10 sips before I had to place it down. So, then came the nearly 13-hour drive. Whew! And in case you were wondering, The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao is a great read--I recommend it--but listening to it on podcast did little to keep me awake and alert.

I'm not a long-poster, so I'll give more detail on days 4, 5, and 6 in upcoming posts.

day 4: montreal!

okay, so we're here, but we're pooped after a 12-hour, yet traffic-free drive. still, it's so lovely here--and the weather!!!!! no words, just smiles. must rest up and then eat in the latin quarter...Rue St-Denis.

a bientôt!

day 3: i'll admit it...

...i did a bit of work today. had to get something finished and shoot it off to our intern for tomorrow. Otherwise, i'm downloading music in preparation for the road trip. Can't wait! only 12 more hours! Decided I wanted to hear some Jodeci--they defined junior high for me...and their songs still get my hormones ta ragin'...but the sheer white "sweat suits" and the ashy denim jackets...eeek! naaah, j/k, they can do no wrong! p.s. i met Paul Mooney yesterday. more on that later.

day 2: i'm with the band...

...i flew with the entire band Kansas yesterday. nice group of guys. Don't know who they are, but they were such gentlemen! One gave up his seat so that I wouldn't have to sit near the exit, and the other talked me out of my fear of flying in teeny tiny planes.

oh yea, that's me, in the airport, waiting to get out of detroit...delayed and getting more annoyed by the minute. And the puff of hair behind me belongs to one of the band guys. lol.

okay so, will i...

...blog while i'm on vaca? I think I will, but I can't be 100 percent, considering I haven't been on a vaca since I began this blog. wow. but i really want to. and I hope to have pics as well. I'm flying out early to meet the BF tomorrow, and then--ROAD TRIP!! I'm a girl that's got a weak belly and is prone to carsickness--but I love love love road trips. And I love road trips with the BF--reaching over holding his pinky with mine and stopping at Sheetz for junk food. And, now we've found something we can both listen to TOGETHER--books on iPod! yes! so it's either gonna be Richard Price's Lush Life, or Junot Diaz's The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. (I vote for Junot...I like his short stories--and he's a cutie pie!) We're an exciting duo, are we not? :-P

Okay, I gotta get off the laptop and get to packing. And, btw, I can't post WHERE i'm going on this road trip...at least not until Sunday night/Monday morning.

xoxo

p.s. I got burned at the beach today (ouch!)...but just on the fronts of my legs. And I fell on some seashells, and now have some sort of cut/bruise/gash on my hip. AND, a big wave hit me really hard, and knocked my bikini bottoms down--TWICE (and there were children present!). Leave it to me to make a day at the beach a recipe for disaster. Yet, still a lovely disaster...

i'm on vaca!

something I haven't said in nearly two years. I'M ON VACA!!!! First stop--the beach and a book and my August Lucky mag--and no checking-of-email...(scary)

...more later.

xoxo

i'm not distraught. and i'm not sad nor hurt.

Just needed to make that clear.

I overheard a little conversation in the cafeteria today.

Guy 1: What the heck's going on with A-Rod, man?
Guy 2: I dunno. He should have been like (mumbled name) and never gotten married.
Guy 1: Yeah.

Would it have been rude of me to chime in with my 2-cents: "He should have honored the vows of his marriage, and been faithful to the woman he loved and had children with, and NOT cheated on her. That's what he SHOULD have done."

I guess I knew it wasn't my place, besides, I'm not a baseball fan--so I grabbed my toasted bagel (yes, I'm still eating bagels from the cafeteria), and left. Thinking the whole time, "Men! ugh!"

I'll admit--a tiny part of me agrees with Guys 1 and 2. Maybe he shouldn't have gotten married. Maybe it wasn't for him in the first place. But he did...and because of that, I'd like to think that little promise ending in "til death do us part" applies to him.

Seriously though. I'm over men today. And not because of A-Rod. Not because of Christie Brinkley's hubby either. And I'm over some women too. I'm not bashing, but lately, I've been giving some thoughts over to what the option to cheat and deceive is doing to my faith in long-lasting real love. I don't know if A-Rod was in love, nor Christie Brinkley's husband...I don't believe in celebrity "love" for the most part anyway. I'm talking about the real thing--and I want to believe (like Juno did), that two people can stay together. I want and need to see that happen--right in front of me. A mushy, syrupy, romantic story with a happy ending. Is that too much to ask?

tangent.

When i first met the BF, in a conversation (i think) on friendship, I noticed he rarely mentioned his female friends. So I brought it up to him.

him: I have some...but it's risky. I can't have women friends that I find attractive.
me: Why not? (digging, of course)
him: Because it'll always lead to something else.

My first thought? "I'm dating a pure slut"...and how much "something else-ing is he doing?" And now? On one hand, I respect and accept it. I get it. He knows himself and doesn't want to cross the line that would jeopardize his relationship with me. I see it as "temptation removed." On the other hand, this "I don't have any female friends" was announced early in our relationship, when things were less complicated, to put my mind at ease--and keep me around. What's stopping him now--comes to mind a lot. Love? Faith? Possibly. And the onus is on me to trust--and suppress my imagination, and what I know can and could happen. And I do. But do I trust other women? Honest answer? No. I've seen it happen toooooo many times. A guy is in a relationship. A woman is outside of the relationship in "friend" position. But she's "easy to talk to," and it just so happens to be the case when his girlfriend is not, or when they're having issues. And while I'm not placing sole blame on "woman friend..." have some fucking respect!

When a man is in a relationship--even when he loves his woman--he still misses single life. Woman typically does not. He sees a theme park filled with fun and games and candy and rides happening in front of him...he's standing at the gate, but forbidden to go in. While woman may see the theme park as dangerous, crowded, and full of cheap thrills. When a man is in a relationship--even when he's happy--he's still aware of all these things that are out of reach because of his woman. Sure he loves her, but a man's love is not the same as a woman's. And who does he talk to about all this? The woman friend. And woman friend has all the answers and knows just what to say since she's detached from his emotions....and it's new, and she's cool, and she's fun, and light, and easy. And what else? Woman friend reminds him of what it feels like to be single...to ride the rides, play the games, eat the candy. He likes the attention...and knowing that even though he's in a committed relationship....the lingering commitment-phobic piece of him gapes over his shoulder, and challenges him: "man, go ahead. See if you've still got it." She's temptation. temptation can be dangerous. dangerous can be fun...and he's turned on by the wrongness of it. "Hey, what could it hurt, if...?" And then.

It's an old story.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I sat down and started typing...and there it went. I guess I just want someone to show me how to know and how to be sure and what to expect. Or maybe that's my problem, expecting. Expectations. I wish I could listen to what Hannah once told me. It went something like this: Take the love in your life for what it is...don't build yourself up to expect more. And enjoy it while you have it...knowing that no matter how short-lived, it added something wonderful to your life for that moment of time.

p.s. ...or...possibly, enjoy the rides, candy, danger, and cheap thrills TOGETHER.

ah. ummm. now i think i want to climb...

...the NY Times building. lol. I love how they're calling these judgement lapses the "climbing episodes." I say, let them climb! Let them pretend the NYT building is just a big ol' tree in their mom's backyard. And while, I hope no one falls, it'll probably take that to keep folks "grounded."

I have something to say about A-Rod and his cheating ways...but later.

i rarely blog on fashion.

not b/c i don't love it...but moreso because I don't keep up with the trends. I'm inexperienced. Certainly wouldn't want to mislead anyone with my wayward, flighty attempts at sartorial commentary. But, if there were ever a day I need retail therapy, it's today. And it comes at the most inopportune time. I'm going on vaca next week...and I plan to shop shop shop!

Anyway, against my better judgement and knowing I need to hold out and be patient, I sauntered into this little shop on Mott St. yesterday, and I was more than tempted. I had to unglue myself from a perfect pair of green wedges and carefully-but-swiftly back out of the store. My regrets to the eager, friendly shop-lady. So today, I thought, "maybe they have a web site," and I found it, as you can see. whyyyy, oh whyyyy do they have a web site? The last thing I need is for those green wedges to be mine at the touch of a button. pray for me. (aren't they lovely, here in camel?)

somebody has it out for me.

last week, i had to battle it out for a cinnamon raisin bagel, and sadly lost to the rubbing and mixing of onion and everything. And today, I had hoped I'd bite into my powdered lemon donut and taste the deliciousness that is lemon custard. But instead, I got a mouthful of bavarian cream. maybe the lesson here is: give up the bagels and donuts.

I dunno...but i'm hungry...

today, when i woke up...

...i felt different. Yet, unsettlingly familiar. yesterday you reminded me of how someone else used to make me feel. inadequate and lonely. i had a nightmare--a recurring one...of someone mentally ripping me to shreds...sending me far over the edge. I woke up, not relieved, and with a stifling, tight pain in my head.

it rained all day yesterday...

...so much for my plans to go see the Afro-Punk Festival kick-off. Luckily, there's still time to indulge in skate-punk culture. I'm way too old to hop on a skateboard--but the sport fascinates me. Is it a sport? When I was a kid, there were no black skateboarders. At least not in my native DC. Nowadays, I see skateboarders all over, all races, and yes, even girls. :-)

much of my weekend was spent breaking plans and doing a lot of nothing. and while doing nothing, I picked up this print of the lovely marilyn (only 4 bucks!) and accidentally found Etgar Keret's new book, The Girl on the Fridge.

working from home today...

...and loving how the fan blows breeze (and likely dust) through my hair. feels good. know what else feels good? not showering. picking up my morning coffee, dropping off dry cleaning, eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch, IM-ing with a girlfriend about her cool Wednesday-night date, and NOT SHOWERING. I could do this once a week--but no more than that. I've done a full days work already--in between episodes of What Not To Wear--but I still feel a teensy bit guilty. p.s. have a happy 4th!
p.p.s. if anyone in manhattan or brooklyn is having a bbq, preferably on a rooftop--invite me! I'll bring wine, and a tall drink of water.

he smells of cigs and eau de cologne...

...isn't it obvious? I heart b/w photos, as you've probably noticed from reading my blog. so, today when i read about the art display that opens at Morrison Hotel Gallery on July 18th, I thought, "I HAVE TO go!"then i flipped through the slideshow, and thought "well, I've seen it all...so, maybe not." But, then again, on second thought--I'll go. For two reasons.

1) I haven't indulged in enough art-seeing since i moved here. It's time I switched gears and allowed myself some pleasure-inducing visual stimulation.

2) I like to stare deeply into photos. yes, i know--annoying. But it's nice to get close to the art--maybe see if it has an odor...and look inside, and spot the things in the photo that tell the whole story. When there are fabulous clothes in some of these b/w photos--like the ones worn by Marilyn, Billy, Eartha, and both Hepburns--I like to imagine the colors and the fabrics. And, of course, I act coy when the security guard orders me to "please step back" from the art.

p.s. the Miles photos are tops...that man had style!

boooooo on you, u.s. state department!

yes, they obviously "really want to hurt" him...and his loyal American fans. shame.

Many years ago, I was a kindergarten-er and completely Boy-crazy. He's right up there with Wham! in my list of 80s favs. Back then, I had a slightly femme classmate--I think his name was James. James loved the Boy more than I did--and would tie his bright red cardigan on his head to resemble Boy's long red locks--and then he'd dance and sing Karma Chameleon. Pleasant memory. Wonder what became of James--and his wig/cardigan.

update on señor duck.

the duck sighting was nutty--but I think the little lost guy is gonna be okay. Last Friday, after I left him there on the sidewalk--pacing, I thought about him all day and part of the weekend--wondering if he'd made it home. According to my roommate, our landlord spotted señor duck hunched and hiding between our trash cans later in the day--put him in a box for safe-keeping, and called the humane society. Not sure what the humane society does with ducks, but at least we know he won't end up on someone's plate--or under someone's car.