Thursday, June 26, 2008

i think i'm losing it.

or maybe i'm getting older and therefore naturally more fearful of life and of losing it. More than ever, I'm afraid...afraid of the Dominican teenagers that "congregate" on my block and yell "mami" at me and other things that I'm happy I cannot understand. I now walk on the other side of the street to avoid them--the side with the large cemetary. This also frightens me, and I have crazy thoughts of someone grabbing me, taking me inside the cemetary, raping me, and leaving me, or even worse--murdering me. Awful thoughts. I think I'm crazy. After hearing about the woman who was raped and tortured for 19 hours (WARNING: you may not want to read this story--it's NOT for the faint of heart)--just blocks from my house--I'm afraid to walk home from the 1 train at night. I either take the C, or take the bus, and if it's very late, a cab.

Yesterday, I wondered "I'm I cut out to live here again? In a city where assault is not just someone robbing and attacking you, or even stabbing you? Where there are so many sick, twisted people who get off on seeing strangers suffer?" In the past month, I've been haunted by this rape story, the story of a couple who killed a 3-year-old (the story is too horrific to post here), and a bit about a biker who stabbed a woman in a random ride-by...and the list goes on. This all makes me fearful for myself--and mostly fearful of men.

Maybe I should stop watching local news. I'm considering moving back to Brooklyn. I know it's still NY, but I always felt safer there.


rashad said...

1)you gotta pray
2)maybe try to get a group of folks you talk to on the phone, while walkin home, so they can account for your whereabouts
3)come back to dc, the supreme court just ruled that we can pack heat like Nino Brownn baby!

Janelle said...

1) its an age thing and living alone thing...come up with a plan that at least makes you feel safe. I find walking through a neighborhood like I know exactly what I'm doing (and that I belong here) tends to work.
2) these things happen in waves. And in any other city just because you don't hear about the atrocities doesn't mean they don't happen.
3)okay since I'm a Harlemite I'm always going to advocate for my 'hood. Besides..if you're out partying late at night, cabbies ain't going to Brooklyn! HA!
4) don't listen to Rashad. lol

Chubbs said...

i appreciate the advice, rashad and janelle. I'm such a city girl...grew up in dc, and this is my 2nd time living in ny...but this is the 1st i've been so fearful of all the craziness. It's definitely age. And probably just that I'm actually in Hamilton Heights...a neighborhood I know very little about. I like BK, b/c it's familiar to me...and I can get a cab--if I fib the driver (which has worked 9 out of 10 times I've tried it.)

Rashad--nope...i'm not coming back to DC. I'm done with that city.

LadyWritesTheBlues said...

I think the only way any of us can remain sane in this crazy world is to stay prayed up!

We talked about The Lester Street Murders that happened here in Memphis at work today and I was literally sick!

Hang in there!

lex said...

girl...These are perilous times forreal

i don't think i suggest/say anything better than what rashad, janelle and ladywritestheblues said.

I've become a worry wort in my old age too. Like stuff i'd never have given two thoughts 10 years ago is on my mind constantly.

But its good you think of things like this. It means youre aware.