Monday, March 24, 2008

i want to be brave...

...but i feel small amid all this bigness. can i? can i? what if i can't? what if I fail? what if i am a disappointment? when I was a kid, I buried my head in all sorts of science books--not because photosynthesis and mitosis interested me, not because I wanted to be a cell biologist--but partly because I had nothing better to do, and partly because I did not want to disappoint THEM. all these negative thoughts and self-doubt and fear.

just how I'm feeling lately...

but in happier news: I am no longer home-less.

3 comments:

etoilee8 said...

New York made me feel very small. . . and very disappointing. . . but in retrospective, just making the move up there is a far bigger accomplishment than a lot of people can claim in this life. Sometimes we have to look at the small miracles and pat ourselves on the back for it. I feel the same as you often. . . and that's how I get through the moment. I feel disappointing right now (kinda jobless, I am). . . but I know the tides will always change. Hang in there!

rashad said...

Admitting in a semi-public blog, that you aren't as brave as you want to be is a damn good start my friend. hang in there

Chubbs said...

thanks for the kind words, etoilee and rashad.

I'm feeling a bit better today--the BF thinks I should go out and party and stop thinking about work work work. But, I always like to see my ruts through--sulk and contemplate it all--and learn from it.