Monday, November 19, 2007

the thing about smiles... that they are usually false and easy to fake. (I said usually.) A smile doesn't show how you REALLY feel. It's a protective covering. An easy lie. A smile dims your hurt and crazy. And people are content with smiles and are unlikely to question your feelings or give you the "Oh what's wrong?" pity stare. I hate the pity stare even more than I hate the fake smile.

I once dated a very sweet, honest guy, and in the first month that I was getting to know him, I was afraid he'd think I was too crazy and fucked up for him. He was so "together" to me. Too together for me--and I didn't want to scare him away. I liked him. So I lied and told him I was going to celebrate the holidays with my big happy family...and made it sound like a wonderful tradition. (very untrue.) Then I flashed a big convincing smile. He smiled back and the lie was sealed. But now I was comfortable, and so was he. I just knew he couldn't handle the truth. "No. no plans, aside from laying in bed all day and pretending to be dead."

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