watch...

...HIM (not sure that videos will play unless you have flash..boooo). c'est manifique. I saw an amaaaazing performance last night, and this guy was one of the dancers that made me regret not taking those ballet lessons in 1st grade.

p.s. happy halloween. More on that...and my sorta-kinda costume...later.

soooo, i got new hair.

hair-over-the-eye hair. very veronica lake. i figured i should take pics while it's salon-fresh, because there's no way i can re-create this. p.s. the day i woke up, ...and was no longer in love with my ex-boyfriend was the greatest, sunniest, brightest, most satisfying day...almost ever. you didn't know me back then...that dumping pre-dates my blog. i was a mess. if i had blogged, it would have been un-readable. unbearable. an overflowing barrage of rain, and sadness and gloom....a diary of mope-ery. but on the day my best friend asked, "do you still miss him?" and i said "no," without a doubt and without explanation...ahhhhhhhh. i cannot express. i even questioned whether i had ever really been in love with him. thought, maybe i just enjoyed the chase, or the sex. Oh, but then i got sad. To think, "maybe I never loved" him would have meant I had never loved. That possibly I did not have the expanse to love....or that I do not know what it means to love. Oh well...there's still time, right?

more from outsiders ny...

...since i obviously cannot get enough. And can I just say, that barack seems to be the muse of every modern artist, more so than any other political figure of this time or past (I wonder. Don't quote me, I didn't factcheck this.) This is a piece by David Choe that i'd love to own...if only because it reflects its own light--even when the room is dark. oh the symbolism!

tonight i had beers on an empty stomach.

followed by the most delicious cuban ham and cheese sandwich known to man. seriously. i devoured it like an animal--dripping pieces of it all down the front of me and on my Lola & Emily canvas bag. yum. yum. and yum.

but right after the beers, and right before the sandwich, i went to the closing of this street-art exhibit from London...Outsiders NY. An eerie, dirty, fascinating collection of photos, sketches, watercolors, scupltures and collages. Filthy-fun stuff..really...I looked deeply into a collaged portrait of President Bush, and found dozens of dicks. Some of which were stuffed in someone's mouth. And this one below, by absurdist sculptor Mark Jenkins made me think, "what the heck's he saying here?" My literal interpretation = Grover was a bum--and maybe he was, but still--he made the children laugh.

i have a broken heart.

...and I think I have for most of my life. I thought possibly saying it out loud would make me feel OK about it. But so far, nothing.

p.s. Maybe I'll come back later and re-read this, and who knows.

ray charles sang me to work today.

steve martin made me laugh out loud...and it was a lovely ride.

i spied a teenage eccentric on the train, we'll call her rainbow brite. yellow hair swimming all around her headphones, fuschia skirt, black tights, red shoes, blue jacket, pink backpack. Her eyes didn't move--they stayed planted on the couple cuddled up and asleep on the seat next to me. i was mesmorized by her, and she was mesmorized by them. the couple jumped up at 34th, and left an ink pen behind on the seat, which rainbow brite quickly picked up, and dropped into her purse...like she desperately needed to hold onto a piece of them. I wonder...

Must be so comfortable to be completely nuts and unaware of it...or aware and OK with it. Even in my quest to be well, I can see the beauty in that.

p.s. My little homage to rainbow brite...my ultra yellow sweater...you can't see from this pic, but it's seriously blinding--the color of a hi-lighter.

this is not good news...

...and just when i was sorta-kinda contemplating moving in next year. Well, not that I've earned it yet...but anyway, there's another dream extinguished.

On a related note, I did not know Arthur Miller and Bukowski lived there...and of course Hendrix. Click here for the fascinating laundry list of other past and current residents.

p.s. On a completely seperate note, I like this..

i wish i'd never become happy...

...then perhaps being comfortable with my sadness wouldn't be this backwards, uphill battle.

i'm posting this gray art because it's from a new exhibit I want to see...it opens this week in chelsea. She looks like she's suffocating, doesn't she? But all the while examining her life and peacefully allowing it to happen. The Heirloom, from Danny Hobart's "If I Should Die Before I Wake."

how the washing machine ruined a perfectly good thing.

i tried to steal one of your t-shirts. just to hold onto your scent, and maybe wear it to bed. but you'd just done your laundry, and each of your 60 or so tees were folded and smelling like nothing and no one. a hint of Tide. i know i have other things to remind me of you,*sigh* oh well. no one smells like you though. i think it's a mix of frankincense, and your own b.o...but the good kind. u know the kind that makes me plant my face deep in your chest and kiss the lobe of your ear. fuck Tide!

p.s. i know i've been away from my lil blog, but i'm present, just thinking of how i will write out some of my thoughts, and it isn't coming so easily..though my mind is full. Heavy even. I don't get it. on a surprisingly high note, I feel brave, and focused. Perhaps i just will spill some of that bravery and focus onto papier-mache world. soon, i think.

a little bit of patience...

...and a very hot curling iron go a long way. every girl should be equipped with both. tonight, while packing for a weekend trip to dc to celebrate a dear friend's birthday, i paused for a moment to shake the dust off my conair instant heat. When i was in high school, some silly boy teased that I had "home-made curls," since I couldn't afford to go the salon. I think he cared more than I did though...I sort of liked my home-made curls--and so i let his taunts roll off my back. cute memory.

I figured I'd snap a few shots of my throwback, home-made curls. I'm channeling Kay from the Godfather. Kinda sad they'll be flattened and lop-sided by tomorrow. oh well.

i got my laptop back.

yes, this deserves it's own YAY post. The only thing is, the post has to be short, since i left my charger at work. But i've got stuff to say, I promise. So...until tomorrow...

oh, gosh, well this is more like it...

...a lil something to take my mind off my nutty-crazy banter. Will you look at what I got from Etoilee8 (btw E, I found Opening Cerermony, but have yet to go in.) Anyway thanks hun--I needed something to wipe away the dramatical-ness that has been my day!

1. Link back to the person who tagged you
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking to them
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged bloggers blogs letting them know they've been tagged
6. You can now display this charming dalek image i created when tagged!

Here i go....MY QUIRKS (sheesh, where to start?!)

1. I'm addicted...ADDICTED to chap stick. I can't go to sleep at night w/o having a tube of chapstick on my nightstand. To loose my lip balm would send me over the edge. Tell me I'm not alone...

2. I love fried chicken and it's one of my gourmet specialties. But I will not eat it without honey drizzled on top. A perfectly good wing-and-thigh is dead to me if there's no honey in the house.

3. I'm a city-girl to the point of snobbery. I secretly, ignorantly think all people who live 50 miles outside of a major city are cheating themselves out of great food, culture, arts, and shopping. I know, I'm an idiot. or am i?

4. My purse often doubles as an emergency overnight/come-what-may feed bag. In addition to the normal purse necessities, I carry antiperspirant (tho i cannot spell it), a pocket knife, at least one band-aid, snacks of some sort (b/c you never know), my notebook, face cream, a vitamin or two, and vick's vapor rub (don't ask).

5. I'm obsessed with bulldogs. And my reasons are the obvious ones...b/c they're fat, awkward, top-heavy, sloppy, and appear to fart constantly. A co-worker said to me "If you chose guys the same way you choose dogs, I'd be perfect for you."

6. I have hair on my toes. We're not talking Frodo Baggins hair...just a couple strands. And I shave it, so you'd never know unless you read this blog. Okay, Asabi, Lex, Janelle, RedHotMama, Ariel, and Peas. Let's hear it!

all i need right now is a hard cry.

and to not let whatever's getting to me remain pinned up and eating up my insides. (ugh...saying "your insides" makes me think of the word "innards" which makes me think of chitterlings, which makes me gag.)

Today, I feel like I am losing my mind. Not in the 911-check-me-into-the-looney-bin sense, but in the "I need a walk outside to scream" sense. The world feels so very heavy on me today, and though the day is a beautiful one and for-gods-sake it's friday, I feel overwhelmingly pissed off--at nothing in particular. Can I handle it all alone? Can I handle it all alone? Please let this be PMS! Today, I was hearing "No man is an island..." on repeat. Something with no particular meaning to me, and a pullout phrase from this book I'm dying to finish and move-on from. Reading it caused something to subconsciously trigger a bit of half-sadness/half-shame in me. I just want to cry...a good cry...until my eyes are red and my head is clear.

********
10 minutes later

I cried...or at least, I allowed tears to form even if they out-and-out refused to roll down my face. And I'm eating the most delicioso pumpkin soup. And what's next?? Chocolate pudding. Almost all better...

during the weekend that just passed...

...a funny boy and I were crossing the Manhattan bridge on the D train around mid-day. When we hit the middle of the bridge, I nudged him "Hey, come here and look. Look at the waterfall!" And I pointed to one of the NYC Waterfall installments on the East River. I was a little disappointed that he only got to see the one on the river that kinda reminds me of an industrial, metal structure with water churning through it...not really what I think of when I think of waterfalls. So I said to him, "I wish you could see them at night. The light shines through and they're really lovely at night." nice eh? p.s. approx 9 more business days...and counting...

baby's sick.

blogging will be really light for the next 7-10 business days. oy. that's how long it's gonna take the Apple techs to fix my laptop. Seems I've blown a fuse--though I'm sure there's a more technical diagnosis that i'm not tech-savvy enough to articulate. Basically, my laptop has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, but I'm simply calling it a cough. why? cuz it makes me feel better.

During said fuse-blowing, there was a spark--and I think there's something in the fine print about this representing a safety hazard, sooooooo...I get my baby repaired for FREE! **big smile** No I do not have Apple Care, and yes I think it's a blatant waste of cash.

It occurred to me that, since my blog is my default home-page, the Apple Guys are reading this right now. "Apple Guys, I mean *cough cough* Apple Geniuses, I love you, please return my baby soon!"

As I sat at the counter yesterday waiting for my-own-personal-Genius to return with good news, I remarked to myself, "7-10 days is a lifetime for a writer." One of the other Genii overheard it and seemed unfazed...but it's true. What am I supposed to do without my laptop for a week and half. I mean, forget writing for a sec, what about email? facebook? ebay? perez hilton? And does Monday--Columbus Day--count as a business day? Now I'm even more furious that we get a day off in this thief's "honor."

Oh, but wait.

Then, it dawned on me that, aside from my blog, none of "the book" is on my laptop. It's all in my notebook, save for the 90 percent that's still in my head. Thank god for notebooks, u know. They may get misplaced, or left behind on the subway, or coffee stained, and the ink could even wash away in the rain, but that would all be my own doing. On the other hand, notebooks will never crash, freeze, mysteriously delete your files, nor blow fuses.

p.s. for all you chai tea lovers, I think i've discovered something great. Note: I am NOT a tea drinker, but this stuff is yummy! It's replaced my morning cup of coffee 2 days out of 3 this week...and of course, it's from Roasting Plant!

forced break.

well, maybe. my laptop is being temperamental. but i hope to be back to blogging by the end of this week. cross ur fingers for me. xo!

i love this.

the 80s-centric, barely-there dance costumes, the too-hard, hip-popping dance-moves, the simple message pressed into an over-produced, saxophone-heavy song. and the vocals...pure perfection :-P If you ask me, the guy in the first 2 seconds of the clip stole the show. I want more of him! watch it now damnit.

i don't know where...

...our insecurities come from. maybe from our mothers or our fathers, or from boys on the playground in 6th grade chasing you just to remind you that you are flat-chested and you have a unibrow. Or maybe we're born with them...maybe it's our girlfriends who remind of of them, or our boyfriends. Maybe it's the world around us, in front of us, and on top of us. I don't know...I've always thought I inherited mine...likely from my mother. I used to HATE my nose, and was terribly insecure about it...and it didn't help when someone told me "your nose takes away from your face. Maybe later in life you should consider getting a nose job." Who would tell a child that, right? ugh.

I think in college, a guy friend told me "you have nice eyes. You always look like there's a lot going on behind them." lol. he was right...too much going on sometimes...ha! But just like that, you know, my nose insecurity slipped into the background, because I had these "thinking eyes." And I'd paint them and mascara them, maybe a little too much sometimes. As I've gotten older, I've learned to play up what I love about me, my heart, my brain--and oh, my legs ain't so bad...and think less about this nose, likely a gift from my father. Tho, I still loathe my big man hands....I have him to thank for those as well. :-) they're only good for hand jobs and opening the mayo jar. lol.