Monday, February 18, 2008

okay, so it's over...

...the birthday weekend has come to an end, and I've had an extra day to "recover." I had a perfect birthday--big hugs and many thanks to my friends (Emily, Asabi, and the BF) who threw the bestest party a 30-year-old girl could ever wish for. It almost didn't happen eh? (And also, thank you to fellow bloggers who sent b-day wishes my way...I'm truly grateful.)

I started feeling down tonight around 10pm. Actually, I started feeling down yesterday afternoon, but decided not to deal with it, and like everything else you hide in your closet and brush under your rug, it re-surfaced. I might deal with it tonight, but it's late, and so I'll likely go to bed with it keeping me awake. I have this deep, troubling feeling, right there inside my chest cavity, that I missed out, maybe somewhere in childhood, on some vital ability to process, deal with, and express emotion. I'm considering therapy, although I've tried it unsuccesfully--mostly because I find it difficult to be honest with a stranger--and, in general, I don't trust people. For instance, I have people I consider friends who don't even know about this blog. Why? I don't feel comfortable with them knowing so much about me. Crazy.

I also feel that I want to spill all my "issues" out at once and will the therapist to take all the pieces I've spewed out and fix me. I'm impatient--I don't want to go over it all again for months and months--I just want it fixed and done with. I know this is not healthy, and I know it take steps and stages--and at my age, I'd say it's time to deal with the things in my past that have tried so hard to screw up my present. I want to have kids, but my BIGGEST concern is that I will be emotionally unavailable to them, and they will need therapy because of me.

Now, I hope I can sleep for tonight, and deal with this a little more tomorrow.

1 comment:

asabi said...

no worries..besides..having a emotionally unavailable parent gives you character. ask chyna..she's a regular harry potter :)