oh! how i try hard to keep my karma clean...

...and not to routinely think terribly rude and unkind thoughts about others—not counting nyc subway riders. But today, I need to vent. Here goes:

A woman who works with me, in a senior position, came into my office for a meeting during which the conversation trailed off into a discussion about her gym and how she's not sure she'll keep her membership because the people there are muscley, crazed maniacs. Then she says, "I hate the women at my gym. They're all skinny. Just like you."

Hmmmm. I wouldn't take offense, except I hear a different version of this almost every week from a woman at work. It's not-so-much that it's offensive, but more that it makes me considerably uncomfortable when someone comments on my body—unless of course, we're good friends or sleeping together. So, what if I said something like, "I really don't like the women here. They're all pretty fat. Just like you."

It's not at all me to say something like that—I'm much much more likely to comment on a woman's shoes or hair—not their weight. But, just to prove a point, would that be wrong?

On a side note, I'm no idiot... I realize that many cultures (and fashion magazines) regard "skinny" as the ideal body type, so perhaps she meant it as a compliment. And perhaps it's the negative connotations that come to mind when I hear the word "skinny" that chip away at my self-confidence. Growing up, in a black neighborhood, with black women and black relatives drilling into my psyche that "skinny" wasn't a good thing...wasn't healthy... wasn't the ideal—I admit to having unresolved issues with the word. Yet "slim" or "thin" or "svelte"—don't hurt one bit...in fact, I prefer them. I need to think on this more, and perhaps consult with some of my slim-thin-svelte girlfriends. Or maybe even Randy Cohen.

Stay tuned. Oh, and tell me what you think!

i do not want to worry...

...about whether or not i am loved. i just want to love things and leave good things behind. and i don't want to talk about it.

today, i made your shirt
a mop.
and now my kitchen floor
is clean.

today's 2 learnings:
1) a pedgie
2) the process of removing a pedgie is one of my least favorite sights

So, i was at one of those outdoor thrift markets the other day, on Houston...though judging by the prices, not sure it should be called "thrift." So many good things though...vintage loveliness all around. And there among all the loveliness were two dildos. "Ugh. Who wants a pre-loved plastic penis?" says me. Maybe if it were gently used. I don't know...maybe it's good mantle art. But then again, most girls/guys are "using" a pre-loved phallis anyway, aren't we?

p.s. ever wonder what life would be life if you could always laugh all day long at yourself and at the world? i recommend seeing Happy-Go-Lucky. And another recommendation... "Naked Confessions" by Richard Prince. Prince's "Canal Zone" exhibit opened yesterday at the Gargosian Gallery, and runs through December 20.

silly little ethical quagmire.

first off...OBAMA! I had to take a few days to take it all in.

today when rachel and I went on our "it's-3-o'clock-and-i'm-dying-are-you?" coffee break, we snuck a peak inside the holiday coat drive box in the building lobby. Don't ask me what led me to peak inside...possibly just sheer curiosity or maybe comic relief--I figured I'd see lots of shoulder-padded London-Foggish oversized trenches in cobalt blues and dingy khaki. But no. instead i see a cute little well-made coffee brown leather jacket...in a size SMALL, no less. oh why oh why did i look?

at first, i thought, "that jacket's mine." followed by, "but no, it's for the poor." and again, "what poor new yorker needs a tiny leather jacket...it's not even warm!" but, alas, I couldn't do it. i'm obsessed with keeping my karma in good-standing..besides part of me thinks it's stealing--even if it's just from an over-sized box...although, another part of me thinks, "i'm poor, and my life deserves a free jacket." so i asked my friend chris...what should i do...he's pretty wise, and i think ethical for the most part...he's a finance editor...so that at least makes him more level-headed than me. he told me it's okay. "take it, but just swap it for a jacket you have at home that you don't like." I dunno...I don't really have any jackets or coats that I don't like. Ugh...woe is me. Perhaps this is one of those life-tests. Or maybe i'll call Randy Cohen. OR...I'll rationalize it the way I rationalize most things in my life...if it's meant to be, it'll be.

p.s. tomorrow i get my flu shot! yes. i'm excited. i get excited over anything that temporarily quiets my hypochondriacal tendencies. For more on the what-when-how-why of flu shots, see my smart friend Daniel's blog.

so i picked up the phone.

my ex bf has been calling me for weeks. and i hadn't answered. just afraid of the conversation "going there," and not yet comfortable with a "friendship," which is what all his voice mails claims he wants. tonight, after two voice mails and two text messages, saying "I really just need a friend," i caved, and called. (i titled this "i picked up the phone," but i should have titled it "i called back.") anyway...

...I called back, and it was awkward, as expected. And then he loosens up, and starts to ask me for advice on how to end his dysfunctional relationship. apparently, his woman is emotionally abusive. i told him to do what's best for him. but not to be generic (this IS a person I once really cared for)--i also added that relationships can be difficult (also quite generic), but the right one will see you through the difficult times to the good times, and sometimes you'll step backward, to go forward (i know, still generic). Mostly though, I just told him to focus on what he wants, and by all means, if she really IS abusive, let go...and make room for a better, or at least less abusive, woman. It's NYC for god's sake--there are tons of women. He said he was afraid of being alone. hmmmph...grab a name-tag and join the club.

Another part of the conversation reminded me of how different he and I were, and had always been, and of how I thought, at one point, I could be what he needed. Finally, when I realized I couldn't, it hurt him badly. I hated hurting him. I mean, he was no angel...he'd hurt me too...but in the end, I made the final cut. All the things he wanted, I wasn't any of them--stable, religious, symbiotic, stay-at-home, picket-fencey, and suburban. All good things, all lovely and appealing to someone--just not me. What the hell's wrong with me??

Before we hang up, he calls me a "nomadic woman," and asks where i'm going next (after NY). He knows me better than I thought.

forecast.

last night the rain came back.

and it crashed hard on my window. woke me twice.

so loud. i thought it might break through.

it didn't. it pitied me. hushed me back to sleep.

then went away.

but the thunder shook me awake. uncaring. a warning.

and now i miss the rain.

(p.s. nevermind what i said yesterday.)

something not-so-funny happened to me.

"i just fell on my face...not figuratively either.
No one saw it, thank god...but I tripped over a cord
and fell all the way forward on my hands and knees.
I think I'm okay...no blood...maybe a bruise or two.
But, b/c I believe in karma, I can't help but believe
this is payback for something."

a phone call, an email, and a little optimism

When I was very young, and I really really really wanted something to happen, say I wanted Samantha to end up with Jake, or wanted an A+ on my spelling test, I'd cross my fingers. Then I'd say "My toes are crossed. My hair is crossed. Even my eyes are crossed." How silly. I can't remember if that did the trick...although Sam and Jake were the happy couple last I checked and I always got a perfect score in spelling. So, if only for nostalgia's sake, I'm crossing my fingers, and leaving the rest up to karma.

just for a minute...

...allow me to be my cynical, and slightly antagonistic, self.

Often I feel that good, deserving people always get the shit end of things, while the less-than-deserving seem to have the best of everything. There are books written about it. For i.e. a woman who works in my building received a day in her honor just because she talks about God all day long and sings and greets people in the morning by saying things like "welcome to work!" "Come on down the red carpet to work!" Come ONNNNN! But then, for i.e. there is a crazy woman with a brilliant mind and a good intentions who doesn't even have a roof over her head.

Not much of an example, but you get it. And you more than likely know how it feels to be passed up for something you know is rightly yours, but someone else gets it and you can't figure out why. It's possibly karmic forces, or timing. I have a friend who believes the things we do in our past lives affects us greatly in our present one. Like if we were a wealthy tyrant in a past life, we're getting it all back now by struggling to pay our bills. Hmmmm...not comforting, but maybe.

reapin' and sowin'.

Karma is a funny thing, isn't it? Not funny like "ha ha," but kooky and whimsical and satisfying all at once. It reminds me to be good to people. And to bend down and pick up my candy wrappers, even when no one sees me drop them.

Realize that everything connects to everything else.
Leonardo DaVinci

Men may not get all they pay for in this world; but they must certainly pay for all they get.
Frederick Douglas

They who live have all things; they who withhold have nothing.
Hindu proverb

The consequences of our actions take hold of us quite indifferent to our claim that meanwhile we have "improved".
Nietzsche

And one that I overuse:

There's a reason behind this.
Unknown